Some Gators Swim Onto 'Pump Rules'

Another Monday night, another episode of Vanderpump Rules that made me fall in love with Jax all over again. Eavesdropping on the Schwartz, Sandoval, and Carter hallway fight from the safety of his own hotel room? Begging Brittany to stay out of Schwartz drama for as long possible? Feeling lucky to be tucked into his hotel bed for the night instead of screaming about Sia wigs? Wow. I dig your style, Jax.

But I gotta say, nothing on Monday's episode spoke to my soul quite like Jax’s reaction to feeding and hanging out with wild gators. If I was on that gator boat with Tom Schwartz and the other groomsmen, I would do exactly as Jax did: scuttle away from the reptiles, go all wide-eyed, and aggressively demand my friends be careful. Now, I don’t know if I’d shout “You’ve got to put duct tape on its mouth,” but I might say something along the lines of “Gators can swallow animals whole — even the bones.”

I'd stand next to Jax on the back of the boat and wonder how long we'd be parked next to the snapping gators. I'd consider asking the airboat captain, but then think better of it; wouldn't want to harsh anyone's good time with my nagging questions. I'd try to distract myself by wondering when we’d finally get to tuck into that box of donuts we hauled onto the boat. And then, I'd remember the snake in the donut box. I'd laugh. Jax would ask me if I was laughing at him. I'd shake my head no.

"We're in the same boat, buddy," I'd say. A beat of silence. And then, a wide smile would climb across his dewy face.

"I lake what you did there," he'd reply. "And yes, that's L-A-K-E."