Experts Say Luke P.'s Closure Talk Was Gaslighting — Here's What To Do If It Happens To You

Knowing the signs of gaslighting can help you recognize whether that's what your partner is doing or not. The key is in how they react to your feelings. "If your feelings are hurt and you are seeking to communicate this clearly and directly, but your partner’s response is minimization and deflection every time, they may be gaslighting you with a method called downplaying," marriage and family psychotherapist, Christine Scott-Hudson MA MFT ATR, of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle. So if they're constantly trying to convince you that your emotions are invalid or that you're overreacting to situations, they might be gaslighting you. Once you recognize that this is taking place, be intentional about honoring your authentic feelings as you determine whether or not to end the relationship.

If you suspect that your partner is gaslighting you, it can be hard to figure out if what they're telling you is what they truly feel or is just an attempt to manipulate you. But keeping an eye on whether their actions match up with what they're saying can give you a clue about whether they genuinely have your best interests in mind.

"Pay more attention to what they do than what they say," Scott-Hudson says. "Often with gaslighters, their actions and words are incongruent and do not match." Maybe they tell you that they are always there for you, despite consistently canceling your plans or skipping important events. Looking at the actions behind the words can help you find the truth.

"Gaslighters are projectors," Scott-Hudson says. "They will often accuse you of behavior they themselves are engaging in." So if your partner is trying to convince you that you're being unfaithful to them by talking to other people or lying to them about a situation, take a step back and consider your actions with a critical eye. If you genuinely don't believe that you're at fault, they could actually be doing the thing they're blaming you for. "Pay close attention to anything they accuse you of, as it often points to their own unwanted behaviors."

When someone is gaslighting you, you might begin to doubt whether your emotions in a situation are real or not. But trusting your own gut can help you know how to handle a situation, Scott-Hudson says. If, for example, your partner is trying to convince you that you shouldn't be upset by a mean comment that they made about you, trust the fact that you're feeling sad rather than accepting that you shouldn't be feeling this way. "Keep a journal of these incidents," Scott-Hudson says. "Your own body and intuition are your best barometer here."

Even though your gut reaction can be a very useful tool for figuring out whether you're being gaslit by your partner, sometimes you might want an outside opinion. It can be hard to know how to react to gaslighting when you're experiencing it, but telling your most trusted friends what's happening can give you counsel for what to do next, Scott-Hudson says. Your friends will have your best interest in mind, so they'll be able to help you figure out whether you should just confront your partner about what they're doing, or if you should consider ending the relationship altogether.

"If your partner downplays you consistently, and you begin to question if you are overreacting, you need to run this by a third party who is neutral and sensible," Scott-Hudson says. "Get some professional feedback from a therapist." While your friends can help advise you on how to handle a partner who's emotionally manipulating you, they'll probably be quick to take your side, so they might not recommend the most healthy approach.

A therapist, on the other hand, will be able to walk you through different strategies for handling your partner. They'll also help you work through any self-doubt you might develop as a result of long-term gaslighting.

If you suspect that your partner is gaslighting you, try asking them about the situation. "Using your assertive communication skills, see if you're able to have an open conversation about it," Cannon says. But keep in mind that if you're dealing with a true gaslighter, they are not going to be receptive to your concerns. "They may fake listen, but you need to be very aware of how they are responding to you," she says. "If they begin denying such behaviors, or telling you that you misunderstood their behaviors, this is a big red flag."

In some situations, you might not want to confront your partner about the fact that they're gaslighting you because it may cause them to retaliate or become enraged, Scott-Hudson says. If they have anger issues, it might be a better idea to practice the method of going "grey rock," she says. This means cutting out as much drama as possible from the situation so that they can't feed on it. "Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists enjoy drama," Scott-Hudson says. "Your big emotional reaction is like fuel for them, so starve them by only supplying them with genetic, boring responses."

While talking with your partner can be healthy in some situations, you might be in a situation where that doesn't feel like a safe option for you. "If you feel like your safety is threatened, leaving the relationship (albeit when it is safe for you) is recommended," Lauren Cook, MMFT, a clinician practicing emotionally-focused therapy, tells Bustle. "A partner deserves to feel safe and valued in their relationship and if you are experiencing gaslighting, then it is justifiable that you should walk away," she says. If your partner has been gaslighting you for a while, it can be difficult to leave the relationship. That's when it can be helpful to enlist the support of friends, family members, and professionals to guide you through the process, Cook says.

It's never OK for your partner to gaslight you. If they're manipulating you in that way, that is not healthy behavior, so you should seriously consider whether it would be better for you to leave the relationship.

Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.