I Used Crystals To Center My Sexual Chi

I have a confession: I’m kind of into crystals. I know. Trust me. My family roasts me regularly for my obsession with salt rocks and amethysts. They think I am a huge dingus. Leave me alone, OK? OK. Let’s move on.

When the opportunity came along to try Chakrubs, I jumped at the prospect of using sex toys made of CRYSTAL. Chakrubs allow you to connect with your sexuality in a holistic way. In a market where the highest quality material you can find is medical grade silicon, a crystal made specifically for your vagina feels like quite the luxury.

The idea of combining healing crystals with my love of sexuality was utterly delicious. On a sunny December day, I received my amethyst wand, which is essentially a crystal dildo ($280) and a rosebud Yoni egg ($50), to try. Yes, I put crystals up my vagina. It happened.

So, I spent a month with my crystals in an attempt to center my sexual chi. Here's what happened:

Week 1: Learning About My ~Crystals~

The first step was learning about my crystals and figuring out how to use them. Chakrubs are crystal sex toys, designed to cleanse your womb space and provide healing power. You heard that correctly, they are wand- and egg-shaped, solid crystal you slide up there for purification. It sounds a lot like something you’d find on GOOP, but I digress.

Your vagina is the vessel of life and adorning it with crystals, like a goddamn regal queen, feels like a sign of respect.

Now, I’m very about my womb space, so it felt ideal to me. Crystals have “energy” and memory; they soak up negative emotions and past traumas and attune to your body. Yoni means “sacred temple.” Basically Yoni means vagina, get it?

Call me a hippie freak all you want, but there is something so beautiful about putting a crystal in your vagina. Your vagina is the vessel of life and adorning it with crystals, like a goddamn regal queen, feels like a sign of respect. I was a beautiful sex goddess with my Chakrubs, waiting to be worshiped. I wonder if this is a sex toy Cleopatra would use? I thought when I held my amethyst dildo for the first time.

The connection between crystals and sexuality is actually pretty profound. “If we leave out all the metaphysical attributes of crystals, you can see how special they are by simply looking at them,” Chakrubs founder, Vanessa Cuccia tells Bustle. “Crystals are formed with the earth, their perfect molecular structures allow them to present themselves in beautiful, awe-inspiring ways. When we do not feel at peace with ourselves, it is because we are tapped into an underlying anxiety that we all face as human beings. Spirituality is the awareness that we existed before we were born, and that we exist after we've died. For our time on earth, we are given bodies that have the innate ability to feel pleasure. Sexuality is a small portion of sensuality. Being sensual is appreciating the senses and showing gratitude for having a body by feeling pleasure within it.” It’s some deep stuff.

Now, I’m all about vagina-worship, but there are some rules that even made me roll my eyes... just kidding I took them very seriously. I was not about to screw this up. “The vagina is the center of the universe. Honoring that will allow someone with a vagina to feel centered anytime they tap into it,” Cuccia tells Bustle.

Your wand may be a literal dildo made of pure, rock-hard crystal, but only you can touch them. I asked my partner to play photographer for my crystal dildo photo shoot and added, “But don’t touch my f*cking crystals. I’m serious.” Crystals become attuned to YOUR specific energy. Unless you’re spiritually ordained, you can’t touch them. I don’t know what that means, but no one touched my Chakrubs.

Week 2: Putting The Egg Up My Vagina

You can walk around with your Yoni egg inside of you, for as long as it “wants” to be up there. WTF does that mean, you ask? It means the Yoni will let you know when it’s good and ready to come out. YOU WILL KNOW. I could literally feel the egg move down and get ready to pop out onto the floor when it was ready. It’s all kind of weird, awkward AF, and magical.

I spent a lot of time with my crystal dildo lying on my chest, deep breathing, but the Yoni egg pops in and essentially disappears up your vagina. You don’t even feel it up there. This was surprising because the egg is decently weighty. You don’t need to lube it up. Your vagina will suck it up like the Sarlacc Pit when you stick it in halfway. Vaginas are cool like that.

I went to the bathroom with my Yoni egg inside of me, completely forgetting it was up my snatch. I suddenly heard a very loud CRACK. My Yoni had fallen out of me and into the toilet, smacking the marble basin so hard I thought I’d chipped it. My Yoni egg (and toilet) were totally fine. I cleaned it, blessed it, (LOL, I’m not joking) and put it back in. Voila!

Week 3: Crystal Sex

As I became more and more connected to my crystals, I started becoming more “advanced.” I has mastered going to work wearing my Yoni so, the next logical step was having sex.

Having the crystal inside of me made me feel more attuned to my own sexuality.

Truth be told, bae was not super enthused about the idea of having crystal sex. He thought it was weird and was making fun of me for being a crystal freak. So, I just didn’t tell him it was up there. After we were finished with the ~sex~, I told him I had the Yoni egg in the whole time. He said he knew there was something, "Unusual happening," but wasn't sure what it was. He told me that he barely noticed a thing. SCORE.

The only noticeable thing physically was the presence of the egg made it impossible for him to fully enter me, as it was taking up space by my cervix.

Having the crystal inside of me made me feel more attuned to my own sexuality. It was oddly sensual and hot, like I had bought a really expensive piece of jewelry for my vagina.

Week 4: Kegels Made Of STEEL

I didn’t notice my kegels, but my partner did. He says my vagina legitimately feels stronger. I have the Arnold Schwarzenegger of vaginas now, and I don’t hate it.

A yoni egg is not just a healing crystal, but a workout for your kegel muscles and pelvic floor. When you pop it up there, your kegels naturally clench around it, holding it in place. I thought I would only ever get that kind of workout from Pilates, but Chakrubs have centered the hell out of my energy and produced a vagina made of steel.

The Results:

Maybe it’s placebo, maybe it’s real, but I don’t really care. When I popped in my crystals, I felt instantly calmer. The more I used them, the better I felt. It was like taking a Xanax from nature. I could feel my crystals soaking up my bad energy, leaving me chilled out and content. The more I used them, the more connected I felt to them. I don’t have any intention of stopping. Why would I? They rock (pun intended).

You can laugh all you want, but if sticking a crystal up your vagina is wrong, I don’t want to be right.