A few months ago, while I was in the depths of work burnout, I began to develop an escapist fantasy. I’d quit all my jobs, get a hotel room in Ibiza, and just lie there and masturbate all day. The part about quitting work and fleeing to Ibiza didn’t strike me as realistic, nor did masturbating for an entire day. But, I thought, what if I just masturbated for a ridiculously long time? Would, say, taking an hour out of my day really set me back at work?
The idea of masturbating for a whole hour was a daunting one. My approach to masturbation is usually the exact opposite: optimized for efficiency. Amid my hectic schedule, I prefer my masturbation sessions to be two-minute work breaks rather than hour-long extravaganzas. But isn’t masturbation supposed to be about taking time for yourself? And doesn’t rushing it kind of defeat the purpose of that?
So, I boldly resolved to go forward with the plan. But of course, I kept putting it off because of work. Then, one night in Miami (I didn’t make it to Ibiza, but Miami’s as close as it gets within the U.S.), I decided it was time. I was suffering from insomnia, and a friend advised me to stop working and disconnect from technology at least an hour before bed. If I couldn’t work and couldn’t use my phone or computer, what could I do? I wondered. Oh, right. There was something I’d been meaning to do. I took a shower, turned off the light, checked the time, and climbed into bed.
That’s when I started to think about the logistics of this activity. I don’t normally have multiple orgasms per session, but with certain toys, I can. One of them is the Lovelife Cuddle, and luckily, it was with me. I did not have it in me to edge myself for an hour.
I climbed into bed and put the vibration on low to provide a subtler sensation than usual — I had to make this last. I moved the vibrator over my less sensitive regions, like my inner labia and my vaginal opening. I even tried moving it inside my vagina for a bit. And... honestly? I got bored. My thoughts started drifting to other things. I wasn’t giving myself enough stimulation to keep myself interested. I guess I was being a bad lover to myself.
So, I increased the vibration and moved it to my clitoris, where I usually like it. But instead of finishing myself off right then, I decided to experiment. I held the vibrator still on my clit while reaching into my vagina with two fingers and moving them against the upper wall in a come-hither motion. I enjoy the two-handed approach, but I usually go for the opposite: one moving on the clit and one still inside.
I’d never experienced a “vaginal orgasm” until months after this experiment. But what I experienced then is what I imagined one might feel like. Though the vibrator on the clit was necessary to bring the orgasm on, it was the action of my fingers inside that provided the final push. I could feel the contractions coming from a deeper place than I usually do. And it felt good. Really good.
At that point, I knew I hadn’t nearly fulfilled my hour quota, but my vulva was too sensitive to be touched, so I borrowed a trick I’d learned from sex educator Betty Dodson and moved the vibrator up and down my body, lingering on the top of my head (if Betty Dodson says so...). Once again, I got bored and started thinking of other things. So, I gave up on that and went to town on my vulva again.
On the rare occasion that I can have multiple orgasms, the subsequent ones are always much harder to achieve. But dammit, I would achieve them. I moved the vibrator over my now-numbed clit to try to entice it again. Eventually, it woke up, and after a few more minutes of fantasizing, I’d arrived at orgasm #2.
After that, I was spent but still at nowhere near an hour. So, I went back to focusing on less sensitive areas, which also meant I went back to getting bored. Who knew masturbation could be so much work?? Somehow, I squeezed a third orgasm out of me, and for the grand finale, even though things were getting sore down there, I went back to my two-handed technique and achieved one of the most hard-earned orgasms of my life. I’m not sure if my legs were shaking in pleasure or in pain.
At that point, any further contact on my vulva would have been painful, so I accepted defeat at the hands of my vibrator and looked at the clock. It had only been 40 minutes! But hey, I was over halfway there. No need to get down on myself. My Cuddle and I had a good run.
Would I masturbate for close to an hour again? Honestly, no. If I need to sever myself from technology before bed, I think reading would be a more interesting and relaxing alternative. But on the bright side, at least I learned a new masturbation technique. And now I can put my fantasy of masturbating all day to rest. There’s a reason some things are such appealing fantasies: Trying them in real life would just take too much damn effort.
