When I first met my partner three years ago, our sex life was on fire. We were one of those couples who couldn't keep our hands off each other. We had sex every day and stopped at street corners to kiss. It was obnoxious, really — at least to other people. For us, it was great.
Then, things got boring pretty fast. We started performing the same sexual acts in the same sequence every single time. The sex got less frequent and less passionate, and we became less affectionate outside the bedroom. We started getting more easily annoyed with each other and were less able to overlook each other's flaws. Things weren't bad, but they could have been a lot better.
But around three years into our relationship, I realized things had gotten good again. It didn't happen all of a sudden, and there wasn't one magic ingredient. But through a number of small steps, we'd both put in the effort to prioritize our sex life.
Improving your sex life is "about adopting a growth mindset to sexuality," sex educator Kenneth Play, tells Bustle. The quality of a couple's sex life isn't determined by their level of instant chemistry but by their "effort and ability to learn," he explains. "The one thing I would teach anyone is that their sex life can change drastically if they put some effort into learning. We can learn to cook so much better, we can create amazing foods — we can adopt the same attitude to sexual experiences. We can get so much better."
Looking back, there are a few things my partner and I did to revitalize our intimacy. Here are a few of them.
1Sharing Fantasies
I didn't used to share most of my fantasies with my partner because, honestly, a lot of them are pretty out there. I was afraid they'd freak him out — and some of them did! But guess what? He didn't leave me over them.
The most helpful fantasies to share, though, were the ones involving him. I even wrote him a full erotic story about something I'd fantasized about doing with him. This built up anticipation for the next time we were together and provided suggestions for new things we could try.
On top of that, I got up the courage to tell him about something I'd seen in porn that I wanted to try. I was scared he'd find it too dirty, but he actually loved it! Now, I know it's worth it to share my fantasies with him, even the strange ones. Even if he's not into them, he won't judge me, and the ones he is into could give us something new to experiment with.
2Dirty Talk
I've always really enjoyed communicating in bed, but it was usually limited to very basic phrases like "that feels good" and "I like that." I recently took the plunge to incorporate more advanced dirty talk into my sex life, and I have not looked back.
First, I started saying appreciative phrases like "you f*ck me so good," then I moved on to kinkier ones like "am I your little sl*t?" You should definitely talk to your partner before using terms like this, as they can be abusive when not consensual. In my case, we were both turned on by my dirty talk, and we now build off it to create new phrases each time. This doesn't just make the sex hotter; it makes us feel more connected.
3Sexting
When my partner and I are apart, which is often, I daydream about sex with him a lot. I decided to make a point to let him know every time this happened.
I was afraid it was too much, but he loved to feel so wanted, and our exchanges about what we'd like to do together served as foreplay for the time we got to spend together. They also provided a jumping-off point for us to talk about what we wanted the next time we had sex.
4Couples' Vacations
Though our surge in sexual passion was gradual, we grew by leaps and bounds each time we went on vacation together. Even if we dedicated time to our sex lives at home, our minds would still often be on work, and there would be a rushed feeling to it. When we're relaxed and in a vacation mindset, sex has a whole different feel.
We had the chance to go to a clothing-optional resort, which presented lots of exciting new sexual opportunities. But you don't need to spend a lot of money to get that. You can even just take a stay-cation. The point is to dedicate time solely to having fun together.
5More Affection Outside The Bedroom
How you behave outside the bedroom matters for your sex life. When my partner and I made a point to hold hands, kiss, and speak openly and honestly to each other, we felt more comfortable with and attracted to each other in bed.
It's not just about the superficial stuff. It's about how you feel toward each other. The more I was willing to express what I appreciated about him, let the small things go, and do nice things for him, the closer I felt to him, which translated to more intimate, connected sex.
It also works the other way around. Now that we're giving each other such a good time in the bedroom, we're happier to be together. We're more forgiving of each other, more helpful, and nicer to each other overall.
If you want a better relationship, then, start with having better sex. There are few ways to revamp your connection that are more fun than that.
