Sexual arousal doesn’t just takes place between the legs. One major sexual organ is between the ears. The thoughts and emotions we experience before sex can majorly impact how good the sex is. And one way to take advantage of that is to find your core erotic feeling, according to Astroglide’s resident sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly.
“Your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you most strongly associated with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure and fulfillment,” Dr. Jess said in her podcast Sex With Dr. Jess. “Your core erotic feeling is so intrinsically tied to your erotic script that you may not be able to imagine that someone else feels differently. It’s much like a Love Language.”
Finding your core erotic feeling can not only help get you in the mood but also make your sexual experiences more exciting and intense. Given that, I couldn’t blame you for wanting to know yours. To find that out, you might ask yourself, “how do you need to feel in order to enjoy sex?” said Dr. Jess. Some possible answers are loved, relaxed, challenged, desired, or even subjugated.
Even if you’re turned on all the time, your core erotic feeling is the feeling that makes you even more turned on. In that case, you might want to ask, “When I think of my hottest, most intense sexual experience(s), how did I feel?” said Dr. Jess. Once you know the answer, it’s time to create this emotion.
Invoking Your Core Erotic Feeling
Once you know what your core erotic feeling is, think about the circumstances when you felt it feeling the most. If you were extremely relaxed, for example, did you do anything beforehand to relax? Or if you felt very powerful, did your partner say something to make you feel safe and in control?
Enlisting Your Partner’s Help
Communicate what you discover to your partner with as much specificity as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Looking someone up and down, for example, might make some people feel desired while making others feel objectified. You can also help yourself feel your core erotic feeling. For example, in order to feel desired, you can practice positive self-talk about your body.
Learning Your Partner’s Core Erotic Feeling
Have your partner ask themselves the same questions you’ve asked yourself, because knowing the answers will make you a better lover to them. Keep in mind, though, core erotic feelings can change. For example, someone might have a super hot experience and want to recreate that feeling in future sexual encounters. Or, their needs might change. As someone develops more confidence, for example, they may not have as much of a need to feel desired. To keep up with your changing preferences, you and your partner can keep asking yourselves “how do I need to feel in order to enjoy sex?” and “When I think of my hottest, most intense sexual experience(s), how did I feel?”
Bonus: Elevated Erotic Feeling
Your core erotic feeling helps you feel sexual on the most basic level, while your elevated erotic feeling takes that passion to a new level, said Dr. Jess. Sometimes, your core erotic feeling and elevated erotic feeling can be at odds, and you need to balance them. For example, if your core erotic feeling is relaxation and your elevated erotic feeling is excitement, you need to find ways to introduce excitement without getting freaked out.
If you’re intrigued by these concepts, Dr. Jess suggests finding your core erotic feeling and training your partner to evoke it. Then, ask them what feeling gets them in the mood and how you can help them evoke that. And if you’re feeling like overachievers, you can start to discuss your elevated erotic feeling as well.
