There's this idea out there that while vulvas are hopelessly complicated, penises are simple, and you should automatically know everything you need to know to please someone with a penis. But that's not really how anyone's body works. Everyone is unique, and being a good sexual partner to anyone, regardless of what genitals they possess, requires education, communication, and practice. On the education front, sex educator and dominatrix Lola Jean recently held a workshop in New York City on pleasing those with penises, which included a live demo, and it was nothing if not educational.
Jean's number one tip for pleasing someone with a penis (or anyone, really) is to enjoy yourself. "If you’re having a good time (not pretending but actually having one), it will show," she tells Bustle. "That means no emulating porn or trying to be their visual fantasy. There’s always something new to learn about someones body." And don't tire yourself out! If it starts to get tedious, take a break. "Giving a blow job doesn’t mean you have to have a penis in your mouth for an eternity," Jean tells Bustle.
Here are some tips from Jean's workshop that lovers of penis-owners can take into their bedrooms.
1Warm Them Up With "Crab Claw" Hands
To get the penis warmed up, Jean puts her fingers over it and runs her hand up and down like a crab claw (but don't actually pinch it!). "I like to treat it like a new friend I haven’t seen in a while," she jokes.
2Give A Hand Job With A Twist
For a twist on a hand job (literally), twist your hands toward each other as you move them up and down the penis. Jean recommends holding your grip loose at the base, getting tighter as you work your way up.
3Use This Deep Throat Hack
You don't need to stuff someone's penis all the way down your throat to provide the "deep throat" effect. Instead, Jean recommends this hack: Make a swallowing motion while the penis is in your mouth, and that will provide a tighter fit.
4Make Your Hands And Mouth A Team
While you're giving a blow job, you can put your hand around the base of the penis like a cock ring so that you cover the whole thing, Jean explained. That way, you only have to fit as much of the penis in your mouth as you find comfortable. This can also help keep the penis up if it's flaccid.
5Pay Attention To The Perineum
Some people target the prostate — the sensitive gland behind the penis — through anal penetration. But you can also stimulate it externally through the perineum, according to Jean. This is the area between the balls and the anus. Run your knuckles back and forth from the base of the balls to the anus for external prostate stimulation.
6Introduce Anal Play With Care
"With men who are new to it, it's all about trust and communication," Jean said. That's what makes anal play so intimate. To start, you can try having your partner lay on their back, putting your middle finger in, and gently massaging upward toward the penis.
7Don't Forget The Balls
Don't just focus on the penis — there are lots of fun things you can do with the balls. One technique Jean suggests is making "spider hands" by spreading your fingers and moving them up and down over each testicle. If you're using your mouth, you can squeeze the balls at the bottom, pretending they're ping pong balls in a plastic bag and you have to fish them out with your mouth.
8Have Fun
Jean likes to tell partners, "It's my blow job, not yours." In other words, you're the one doing it, so you get to decide what to do based on what you enjoy. And when you do what you enjoy, both parties win. "If you're having fun with it, whatever it is, they will have more fun," said Jean.
And most importantly, ask your partner for feedback — because the best way to please a penis depends on the penis you're pleasing.
