Sexual fantasies are completely normal. Even if you’ve yet to discover your sexual fantasies, you probably have them. It’s just a matter of digging deep into the dark recesses of your brain and finding them.
For a long time, scientists were unsure what constituted as “typical” versus “unusual.” So, a team of researchers at the University of Montreal decided to conduct a study to examine what fantasies were more common than others. What they found was that, for the most part, women fantasize about sex in other places outside the bedroom while men fantasize about receiving oral sex. Although there were those who fantasized about things like golden showers or crossing-dressing, among other things that aren’t so run-of-the-mill, these were categorized as “unusual,” but only in the sense that fewer people fantasized about them.
Once you recognize your sexual fantasies, your next step might be to try to incorporate them into your sex life, but if your fantasies aren’t all that “typical” it can feel awkward AF. No worries! You can make it happen; here's how.
1Take It Slow
No matter what your fantasy is, you don’t want to jump in head first — especially if your fantasy is a bit unusual.
“I suggest take it slow and start with a mild version of the fantasy,” Dr.Dawn Michael, certified clinical sexologist, sexuality counselor, and author of My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me tells Bustle. “Perhaps a guy has always wanted his wife to control him in bed, [so] maybe they start out with her telling him a few things that she wants him to do to her or vice versa.”
2Watch A Dirty Movie Together
In watching a dirty movie with your partner, it allows you to get the conversation going. "I often recommend to couples that they watch a film together depicting their fantasy (e.g., Little Deaths, Fifty Shades of Grey, Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks)," Sex Therapist Stefani Threadgill tells Bustle. "It is also a sexy way to initiate sex, watching a film with a steamy sex scene rather than one’s usual go-to way of initiating sex or asking for sex verbally."
3Write It Down
Personally, when it comes to my sexual fantasies, I prefer to write them down, via flirty sexts first — that probably has more to do with me being a product of my generation than anything. (If I’m not texting important stuff, then whom am I?) But Dr. Michael also suggests taking this route. “Write down a few things that each person wants to try out on a piece of paper and exchange papers, if it's agreeable then put a check mark next to it and try it out,” she says.
4Communicate
As is always the case when it comes sex and relationships, communication is paramount — a sentiment with which that Dr. Michael agrees. From the moment both you and your partner put your fantasies out there, those lines of communication absolutely, positively need to remain open. If at any time you feel uncomfortable or realize that something isn’t your scene, then voice that loud and clear.
5Keep An Open Mind
As the study by the University of Montreal found, sexual fantasies run from “typical” to “unusual” to “rare;” the third category including sex with children and/or animals. That latter category should never be acted out, because we're talking about living beings who can't consent.
But fantasies that are “typical” and “unusual” are fair game — if both parties are consenting to it, of course – then it’s important to keep an open mind. And, I can’t emphasize enough, communicating before, during, and after, is so essential and will help you keep you mind as open as possible.
6Consider Alternatives
If your fantasy is something your partner doesn't seem to be very into or vice versa, you can modified it a bit and explore alternative ways to make it happen. "If one partner is not into the fantasy, there are alternatives to making it a reality," says Threadgill. "For example, if your partner’s fantasy is anal sex, you can start with anal play, talk out the fantasy during sex, watch porn or a film scene of anal sex together, or role-play the fantasy through outercourse, or dry humping."
7Realize It Won't Change You
In the Seinfeld episode, “The Switch,” Jerry is presented with the opportunity to have a threesome. His response to this offer was something I always remembered for some reason: “Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.”
But the reality is that no matter what you try in bed, you’re not suddenly a different person because of it. “[Have] an understanding that just because you try something out it does not change who you are... if you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again,” say Dr. Michael. “You wont know if you like something new until you try it out.” In other words, if you fulfill your fantasy of having sex with more than one person at once, no, you won’t need to grow a mustache and get a collection of robes and lotions. But you will at least know what you like and don't like.
While fulfilling a sexual fantasy can feel like a dream come true, it doesn’t mean that everyone actually wants to introduce that part of themselves to the real world, and that’s totally cool, too. “Some fantasies don’t need to be played out and in fact not all people want to act it out, but most people love to talk about it,” says Dr. Michael. “With that being said, simply talking about one’s fantasies with a partner can be a turn on and then they can have hot sex after.”
And how good does that sound?
