As a sex writer, I use up a lot of ink debunking the myth that most people with vulvas orgasm through intercourse. I often cite a statistic found by a 32-study meta-analysis in Elisabeth Lloyd’s The Case of the Female Orgasm: Only one in four women say they always do. However, the number who orgasm through intercourse alone is lower, because those studies didn’t ask what else these women were doing. It’s very possible that many were getting clitoral stimulation at the same time.
In fact, research suggests that even when those with vulvas seem to orgasm through intercourse alone, it’s because part of their partner’s body is grinding against the clitoris. Those with clitorises closer to the vaginal opening are more likely to orgasm during intercourse, according to a study in Clinical Anatomy. "The clitoris is the primary anatomical feature for female orgasm," the authors concluded.
"There's just a bunch of men, Freud included, who have misled us to believe that there is a whole grail in our vaginas, when in fact the clitoris has been the seat of female sexual pleasure all along," Dr. Nina Brochmann, author of The Wonder Down Under: The Insider's Guide to the Anatomy, Biology, and Reality of the Vagina, tells Bustle. "Only about one in four women regularly come from vaginal intercourse; the rest need clitoral stimulation."
The point being, it’s unrealistic for most vulva-owners to expect to orgasm through intercourse alone. But "alone" is the operative word there. If you want to orgasm during intercourse, your shots are pretty good if you can also get clitoral stimulation, and there are a number of ways to do that. Here are a few.
1Self-Stimulate
Nobody knows how to please you like you do. To make it easy to rub your clit yourself, pick a position where there’s a lot of space between you and your partner, like doggy style or reverse cowgirl. Then, you can touch yourself the same way you do on your own. Don't feel like you're leaving out your partner — they'll probably enjoy watching you.
2Use A Toy
If having sex while using your hand is a lot for you to juggle at once, let a toy do the work. Use your favorite vibrator on your clit, or get a wearable toy like Eva that’ll save you the work. Vibrating cock rings can also provide clitoral stimulation without either of you having to think about it.
3Have Your Partner Touch Your Clit
If your partner wants to be more involved, they can use their hands during sex to stimulate your clit. To make it more intense, they can wear a finger vibe like Fin. This will work best in a position like spooning that Iets your partner reach around to touch you.
4Use The CAT Position
Psychotherapist Edward Eichel created the coital alignment technique (CAT) to increase clit-owners' chances of getting clitoral stimulation during intercourse. You get into missionary position, then your partner moves upward toward your head so that the base of their penis rubs against the clit while they thrust. The thrusts should be more up and down than in and out for the clit to get enough stimulation.
5Get Really Close Beforehand
The closer to orgasm you are beforehand, the more effective all these techniques will be. So, spend however much time you need on foreplay. If your partner enters you just as you’re about to orgasm, penetration may be the final push you need, especially if you're getting clitoral stimulation at the same time.
All that said, intercourse does not have to be the activity during which you orgasm. It can be a great addition after you orgasm during foreplay, or it can serve as foreplay in of itself if you follow it up with oral or digital sex. Or, of course, you can skip it altogether.
So many vulva-owners feel ashamed of needing clitoral stimulation, but penis-owners aren’t shamed for needing attention on their penises. So, there's no reason for you to feel bad about doing the exact same thing: having sex that involves your primary sexual organ.
