When my ex and I first got together, I couldn't get enough of him, sexually speaking. Even before we were done having sex, I was already thinking about when we'd be doing it again. I couldn't be satiated, so much so that I actually Googled, "Am I sex addict?" I wasn't; I was just newly in love and that's part of being in a new relationship: Not being able to get enough of your partner.
But then the urge to have him all the time started to disappear. Granted, it took a whole year before that lust started to fade, but when it did, I found myself Googling, "Is it possible to love your partner, but hate having sex with them?" Being that it was Internet, the responses were mixed, of course. However, no matter what the Internet told me, the truth of the matter was very clear: I was extremely unhappy with my sex life. So much so, that when we went to bed at night, I'd immediately start fake snoring so he'd think I was asleep — as if anyone can fall asleep in two seconds flat.
I couldn't really figure out why this was the case — until later, of course, because hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Here are five signs, in addition to fake snoring, why you, too, might be unhappy with your sex life.
1Your Communication Is Off
"Sex is a form of communication," Clarissa Silva, Behavioral Scientist and author of relationship blog You're Just A Dumbass tells Bustle. "If your non-sexual communication patterns are unsatisfactory to you or you are unable to express yourself in ways that resolve conflict, you may be feeling neglected."
Communication is paramount in a relationship. So if that isn't being fulfilled outside the bedroom, it can be difficult to feel fulfilled inside the bedroom, too.
2You're Feeling Neglected
As Silva points out, feeling neglect is definitely going to contribute to you being unhappy in your sex life. "This feeling of neglect will manifest itself in your sex life because it is unresolved in your relationship overall," says Silva.
Also with neglect, it's hard to feel desired. Having a happy and healthy sex life does require some feelings of being desired and craved.
3You've Stopped Flirting
Although people tend to think that flirting is just for the beginning of a relationship, flirting should never really go away. Whether it's the first date or you've been together for 10 years, flirting is always fun. But when that flirting stops, on both ends, it could be a sign that things aren't what they used to be in the bedroom.
"[Flirting] could be commenting when your partner looks extra hot, gently slapping, squeezing or pinching them when you pass them in the kitchen or raising your eyebrows in an ooh-la-la [way] when you see them undressing to jump in the shower,” Lauren Brim, a sexual wellness coach and author of The New Rules of Sex, tell Bustle. “Noticing your partner's attractiveness will make them feel desired and keep you both wanting each other in bed."
A combination of neglect and lack of desire is simply a one-way ticket to feeling disenchanted with your sex life.
4You're Experiencing Financial Challenges
It might seem strange that financial challenges could affect your sex life, but they do. If money is one of the top things couples fight about, then it only makes sense that this would play a role in being unhappy in one's sex life.
"If you are experiencing any challenges with money, money is usually associated with self-worth," says Silva. "Meaning if you feel that you are providing more than your partner in the relationship or the other person is bartering sex in the relationship that will negatively impact your self-esteem and self-worth."
You may not realize that this is a sign at first, but once you do, and you can pinpoint that your self-worth is in jeopardy, you'll see things more clearly.
5You've Stopped Trying
A big sign that you're unhappy with your sex life? You've just stopped trying. You don't make time for it, you don't flirt, you don't communicate, you've stopped trying to resolve things — you're just simply over it. This doesn't necessarily mean you're done with the relationship, but it's definitely a sign your done with trying to make the sex end of things work, at least for the moment. It could, after all, just be temporary situation.
Even the healthiest relationships have phases where things aren't so great and all aspects of it suffer in one way or another. One of the best ways to save your relationship and your sex life is to recognize the signs and work on them. That is, if you think your relationship and sex life are worth salvaging. If not, then as Beyoncé would say, "To the left."
