All The Hilariously Dark Stories Twyla Has Told About Her Childhood On 'Schitt's Creek'

In her very first conversation with the Roses, Twyla launches into an anecdote about her second cousin in Elmdale, who made a lot of money doing telemarketing. "It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything," she says. "He went to prison, which is terrible, but he is learning Spanish!"

When the Roses discover they've become disconnected from their children, Johnny asks Twyla about her own parents. "My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela," she tells Mr. and Mrs. Rose, who are thoroughly unprepared for such a morose tale. "And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison."

While Twyla is trying to write a song for Mutt, she explains to Alexis and Ted: "My dad always said, 'When in doubt, say it with a song.' He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac, and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order."

David has just run away from Schitt's Creek, and Twyla comforts Alexis with her own relevant tale. "My best friend in kindergarten ran away, and her parents didn't notice, and she ended up getting adopted by this really rich Asian family in Vancouver," Twyla explains. "But then they had their own kid, so she kind of got neglected a bit, and I can't remember whether she's back on the streets now, or..."

Mutt is teaching Alexis how to ride a bike when Twyla emerges from the café. "One of my mom's boyfriends had a really great trick," the waitress says. "He used to say, 'One foot on the ground, one foot on the pedal, and then get the hell out of here!'"

After Alexis takes off, Twyla screams after her, "'Get the hell out of here, you dumb broad!' That was another thing he used to say."

"Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt," Twyla tells Alexis, whose family is struggling to pay off their hefty Café Tropical tab. "My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language. But he made his choices."

After Moira discovers that her campaign signs have gone missing, the Jazzagals begin sharing their own bizarre occurrences. "That's kind of like my aunt," Twyla says. "She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere."

"I have some good news and some bad news," Jocelyn says.

"Is the bad news that there is no good news?" Twyla asks cheerfully. "My aunt used to play this game with me a lot."

"This is the only casino I haven't been banned from as an unaccompanied minor!" Twyla tells the Jazzagals excitedly as they're planning an excursion.

"This is so exciting! I've never been in a musical before," Twyla says as she's gearing up to audition for Cabaret. "I did have a cousin who was in Riverdance...until she got trampled."

"One of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician and a gambling addict," Twyla says as she's reading people's fortunes in order to raise money for a new dishwasher. "But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day."

"My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake," Twyla tells Alexis in an attempt to comfort her after her pet turtle goes missing. "That was a bad sign. And it happened on Valentine's Day. And her fiancé was a satanist."

"My uncle had a parrot that kept asking me to take my bra off," Twyla shares after watching Moira's new Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer. Mrs. Rose simply looks at her silently.

It slowly dawns on Alexis that Elevation, the fitness brand for which she's a regional brand ambassador, is actually a cult. Although the instructor keeps using words like "gateway" and "demons," Alexis assumed they were simply metaphorical (spoiler alert: they were not).

But when she tells Twyla her revelation, the waitress is disturbingly unfazed. "Oh my gosh, did you not know that?" she responds. "My mom tried to take me to the Gateway for spring break one year!"

Never change, Twyla.