11 Signs Your Friend Is Actually Your Frenemy

Frenemies may not always be rude to your face, but they definitely won't hesitate to speak negatively about you when you're not around. "They smile a lot and act nice to you, but really, they are talking and gossiping behind your back," says relationship expert Audrey Hope over email.

A true friend is excited for you when you have an accomplishment. "When you get that promotion or become engaged, for example, if they don't seem genuinely happy for you, that's a sign," says relationship coach Tiya Cunningham-Sumter over email. "If they can never seem to show up to any of the events that celebrate you, he or she is your frenemy."

"Another sign is constant negativity," says Cunningham-Sumter. "If they are always able to immediately pinpoint what's wrong in your life or why something won't work in your situation, they may be your frenemy. This person might be secretly rooting for you to fail."

"Some competition is natural, but if you find that your friend seems to be competing with you frequently, particularly in a way that feels bad to you, they may be a frenemy," says psychologist Dr. Helen Odessky over email. "Some signs are trying to one-up you in conversations and minimizing or devaluing your accomplishments."

"Some frenemies might not adopt common bullying tactics, so instead they resort to passive aggression because for some reason it's considered to be more socially acceptable," says life coach Kali Rogers over email. "These frenemies will subtly cut you down in public, make fun of you where it hurts, and always take jokes too far at your expense. They will do whatever they can to bring you down without leaving actual proof."

A frenemy is usually self-centered, and they love when the conversation is about themselves. "If you have a friend who talks endlessly about themselves and their problems, but gives no thought to you or yours, you are dealing with a Narcissistic Nat," says etiquette expert Sharon Schweitzer over email. "Your role for them is simply to listen and acknowledge and expect nothing in return."

Because they're so focused on themselves, a frenemy has little respect for other people's times. "If you’ve made plans and you need to get to the concert by 8pm, they won’t consider it unusual if they’re not ready until 9pm," says Schweitzer. "This type may simply not even acknowledge that there is a problem, or they may find excuses like, 'I was tired and didn’t feel like moving' to be perfectly acceptable.

Do you have a friend who just goes through the fridge without asking or feels entitled to your stuff? "Friends should generally share and be gracious hosts to their guests, but some people take other’s hospitality and abuse it," says Schweitzer. "This frenemy doesn’t seem to have a concept that the things in their friend’s house don’t belong to them."

A frenemy likes to look like they're popular by keeping lots of friends around as accessories. "They’ll invite you out 'just in case the party is 'boring,' and leave you alone in the corner if someone more interesting comes along," says Schweitzer. "They’re sweet, but when you ignore or decline their invitation, they tend to overreact."

No friendship is smooth sailing, but a frenemy enjoys conflict. "A frenemy thrives on friendships that are always in crisis mode," says Schweitzer. "They continually seek 11th hour sympathy, but never advice. For them, something’s not right if there isn’t anything that’s wrong."

A real friend is not going to lie to you constantly. "If you know someone who has a new fantastic story every time you talk to them, and it’s always something that is totally out of character from your own experience with them, you’re probably dealing with a Lying Logan," says Schweitzer. "They may feel that their own real life is inadequate, so they feel the need to embellish at best and lie at worst, to make themselves sound more important."