These Are The 11 Essential Qualities Of Couples That Last, According To Matchmakers

You know that communication is key in a relationship, and long-term couples know this, too. “When it comes to expressing what you want and need in a relationship, you can’t assume your partner is a mind-reader,” Kat Haselkorn, matchmaker with Three Day Rule, tells Bustle. “It can feel daunting to express our inner-most feelings, but the more open and communicative you are, the more likely you are to avoid fighting.”

April Beyer, matchmaker and CEO and founder of LEVEL, a hybrid of online dating and personal matchmaking, not only believes good communication is essential, but also that being transparent with one another is, as well. “Couples who are able to be honest and share their true feelings instead of blaming one another have a higher success rate,” she tells Bustle. “Being transparent creates trust, which is needed in every long-term relationship.”

Once you lose respect for somebody, it is hard to get it back. And, as you can imagine, couples that last maintain respect for each other. “You don’t need to be in awe of your significant other every moment of every day, but mutual admiration for one another is a really beautiful characteristic among happy, long-lasting couples,” Haselkorn says. “Respect also tends to make people more willing to overlook mistakes and/or irritating habits, and can help fuel love and feelings of goodwill for years to come.”

You may know of people who make gratitude lists, and you may do so yourself — every day, you list 5-10 things you were grateful for that day. Well, couples that last are grateful for each other, too. “They are convinced they are so lucky that their partner chose them,” Margaux Cassuto, relationship expert and matchmaker at Three Matches, tells Bustle. “An ‘attitude of gratitude’ takes you far in life and further in love.”

While having friends outside of your relationship is healthy, it’s also good to have friends in common with your significant other. “Couples who share a circle of friends tend to last because their relationship is supported by their loved ones,” Cassuto says. “Also, that way, little issues that would normally arise (‘we only see your friends’ or ‘I don’t like them’) are bypassed.”

In addition to appreciating each other, couples in long-lasting relationships also admire one another, Cassuto says. “As a result, they tend to live happily with a constant desire to impress the other,” she says.

Carmelia Ray, matchmaker, online dating expert, and dating coach, also feels that couples who last praise each other. “Couples who regularly acknowledge and praise their partners make their relationships more enjoyable and last longer,” she tells Bustle. “We all want to feel special, and when our partners compliment us, and frequently express their appreciation, it definitely plays a role in long-term happiness.”

Shared values is another essential ingredient to couples that last. “When couples begin their relationship on the foundation of shared values, it makes for lasting and healthy marriages,” Beyer says. “Without this, the struggle is too great and can easily end a marriage even when there’s chemistry, similar interests, and great sex.”

Partners in a long-term relationship have each other’s backs. “It is essential that couples support each other and feel that they have someone in their corner,” Cassuto says. “It makes your success — and failures — feel shared, and it also makes you invest more in the relationship and in your partner.”

In this instant gratification/swiping-left-or-right culture, it’s easy to go from one person to the next. However, longer-term couples make it past the instant gratification stage. “If you only give someone 90 minutes to judge them, that’s not enough time to decide who they are,” Safran says. “After all did your best friends become your best friends the first time you met them?”

She also stresses that characteristics like hair color are not big-picture things. “Relationships aren’t built on these little things,” she says.

When you’re in a long-term partnership, your life is not only about you. “Couples that last require two people who actually are in the mental, spiritual, and physical space in their lives to actually care for someone else,” Beyer says. “When we’re single, it’s easy to be selfish, but once in a longer-term relationship, you need to be ready to put your partner first.”

“In terms of keeping the spark alive, communication is a big part of that, but so is spontaneity,” Haselkorn says. “Passion begets passion, so the more sex you have, the more sex you’ll want to have.” However, she also points out that sex drives may not always be aligned. “But if you talk about your needs and openly communicate, you should be able to find a good balance that leaves you both satisfied.”

Ray also thinks it’s important to keep the sexual spark alive. “Couples who are affectionate with each other, and are generous with physical contact such as kissing, hugging, and random playful touching, experience increased closeness and a sense of security inside their relationship,” she says. “PDA goes a long way to show your partner you still have the hots for them.”

All in all, you can see that there are definitely commonalities among couples that last. As some of the matchmakers above indicate, relationships are not necessarily easy, but worth the effort you put in — and that’s completely up to you.