All The Ways 2023 Has Disappointed Me So Far

Welcome, 2023, and be free to stay as long (or as little) as you like. I’m so happy to have you, since 2022 was something of a disaster, and I personally am still recovering from the time I got dumped in the food court of a Westfield Mall. Right outside the Quiznos! Still, I have high hopes for you, 2023. I believe this could be the year the universe sees fit to give me a boyfriend, or a one-month break from a major crypto scandal, or perhaps a retirement fund. So far, though, you haven’t lived up to your promises — not one. Instead, you’ve offered nothing but disappointment upon disappointment, including but not limited to:

You gave me my period. I understand that statistically speaking, if I have my period five days/month, and we’re 30% of the way through this month, there’s a chance (don’t make me do math) that this could happen. But it still feels like an attack, 2023. Give me some breathing room.

You left Celine Dion off Rolling Stone’s list of top 200 singers ever. Are you kidding me? My heart will not go on.

You gave us cold weather: I know this is because it’s “winter” and also technically a “good thing” in light of global warming, but if the planet is heating up anyway, can’t you do it more during the winter than during the summer? Unless I’m trying to ski, of course.

You also gave us kinda warm weather: Make up your mind, I need to either wash or store my down jacket.

You’ve given me zero new seasons of Bad Sisters. For goodness sake, we’re nine days into the year, how long does it take to make a television show?

You killed my phone battery. I mean, I know I should have charged it, but still. I thought you could do better.

You haven’t released any new Taylor Swift tickets. What are we doing any of this for?!

You chapped my lips. Again.

You killed Anita Pointer, and for that, I’ll never forgive you.

You haven’t made me go viral yet. No, I haven’t posted anything, but whatever, OK? Maybe I’m just waiting on your go-ahead.

I’ve already seen six men on Hinge holding photos of dogs that turned out to not belong to them. Six, 2023. Six. I spent 2022 falling for this bait-and-switch, but no, you decided my punishment wasn’t over yet, I supposed.

You let George Santos take office after he lied about everything. I bet you thought 2022 would handle this one, right? Joke’s on you!

You’re still giving people COVID: C’mon, find a new disease! Wait — no — don’t do that, never mind. We’ll keep the one we have vaccines for, thank you.

You didn’t end all human suffering. I mean seriously, what are you doing, if not that?!

And, worst of all, I literally still have my period. Are you kidding, 2023?