The Case Against Stalking Your Date’s Birth Chart

Once upon a time, I sent a man a 700-word email about why we were meant to be together. He’d left me on read for two weeks, and with nothing else to channel my frustration into, I dissected his birth chart (I’d asked for his birth time on our third date). We both had our Venus in water signs, which had to mean something, right? I was wholly convinced we were soulmates. He never wrote back. To this day, it remains the most cringey thing I have ever done. Looking back on these mistakes of my youth (I was 28), I’m ready to banish the concept of astrological compatibility from my dating life — and I think you should, too.

Most dating apps let you put your sun sign on your profile, right next to your political and religious affiliations and whether or not you want kids. According to an August survey from academic platform EduBirdie, 74% of Americans aged 16-34 check their date’s sign to ensure compatibility, and 31% won’t date someone who is not a good astrological match. Astrology takes up serious real estate in dating, which begs the question: What the f*ck are we doing here, exactly?

“Astrospying,” or prematurely looking up someone’s zodiac sign or birth chart, can hurt your chance of getting to know someone for who they are. “I don’t recommend it,” says astrologer Lisa Stardust. “A birth chart just tells you what qualities you could bring out in each other when you’re together. It’s not the end-all, be-all of a relationship.” After all, according to astrology, my Gemini mom and Scorpio dad shouldn’t be compatible, yet they’ve been together for 40 years. As Stardust says, “Everyone is more than their chart.”

“A reading won’t tell you that you’re going to end up with an Aries.”

Dating experts advise against cosmic snooping, too. “Astrology can be a fun reference point, but you shouldn’t be using it to make assumptions,” says Jarryd Boyd, a certified dating coach. “It’s tempting to want to use it as a shortcut to preemptively spot red flags, but you should embrace the journey of getting to know someone.”

You can do this by asking more meaningful questions during early dates. “You have to be really curious about them,” he says. “[Find out] what puts light in their eyes and what dims them.”

Shan Boodram, Bumble’s sex and relationships expert, compares good astrological compatibility to liking the same sports team. “I think that’s as far as it reliably goes,” she says.

Instead, she points to five other ways to assess compatibility.

• Proximity. Do they live nearby?
• Similarities. Do your values align?
• Competence. Can you add value to each other’s lives?
• Reciprocal feelings. Is the connection mutual?
• Paradox of choice. Do you feel like you’re missing out by not dating other people?

“You need to focus on if there really is something special about this person,” she says.

Birth charts are never meant to be prescriptive, astrologers say. They’re a snapshot of one moment in time, indicating where the energies of the planets and stars were at the moment of your birth, not a map of how to locate your soulmate. Instead of astrospying on your crush, Stardust says you can use your own birth chart as a means of self-reflection. “A reading won’t tell you that you’re going to end up with an Aries,” she says. “But it could show you why Mars energy might be something you’re drawn towards, and you can unpack that.”

The stars can also guide you toward ideal timing. “You can use astrology to determine the best day for a first date and plan around that,” Stardust says. Suggest an auspicious day for a first meetup (like a new moon) or avoid something stressful (like Mercury retrograde).

Dating is hard enough as it is. You don’t need to ask the entire universe for its opinion every time you match with a new person. Rather, show up with a healthy sense of curiosity and go from there. As Boyd says, “When both people are genuinely open to the journey of dating, that’s when you can forge a really beautiful connection.” If you’re having fun, that’s all you need to know — planets be damned.