The TikTok Trend Of Canceling Plans Is Finally, Thankfully, Out Of Vogue

Asha, 39, cancels on her friends all the time. As a speech therapist, she works with people all day and often feels “talked out” by 5 p.m. She’ll stick to plans for their major events, like an art show or performance. “But random nights out? Drink dates? Fair game,” she tells Bustle.

Once you get a taste for canceling plans, it can be difficult to stick to scheduled events, especially when it’s so much easier to go home, put on your favorite pajamas, and relax by yourself. Look up “canceling plans” on TikTok and you’ll see over 27 million posts, many of which show people firing off “sorry, can’t make it texts,” often while smiling and sinking into their couches.

It’s a feeling anyone can appreciate, but recently many users have had a change of heart, opting instead to get up, chug a coffee, and go out as promised. In a Feb. 22 TikTok, creator @ckimbrough123 summarized this tendency, saying we’ve all gotten way too comfortable with canceling on each other.

“We’re having an epidemic,” she said in her video, referring to the loneliness epidemic. “The amount of [people close to me who] feel absolutely OK canceling — and they don’t really ever have a reason, it’s just that they’re tired or whatever — is alarming. ... We say that we want friends. We say that we want community. But the thing is, you can’t have community unless you show up.”

She adds, “I think there’s this misconception that extroverts have this magical energy from somewhere, but the truth is, baby, we don’t. We’re showing up tired and socially anxious just like you. If you are a chronic canceler, this is a call to [stop]. Your friends notice. We miss you. We want you there.”

The creator @thefriendshipexpert agrees, and it’s why she’s been trying to change. In a recent TikTok, she said she felt the urge to stay in on a Friday night but instead made an effort to go out with pals. For an energy boost, she reminded herself that she’d likely have a good time and that going would help strengthen her friend group — friendship being something 55% of Gen Z values more than romantic relationships.

In the video’s comments, many cheered on her efforts. One person wrote, “We’ve got to extend ourselves sometimes to maintain our [friendships].” Another added, “Be the friend you want.” Someone else wrote, “As the planner friend, I appreciate you! Cancellations are a bummer and even when they’re not personal, if they become regular, it’s discouraging.”

“I feel this sense of deep connection to myself and others that my couch could never offer.”

Bailing not only lets your friends down, but it can also impact how you feel. Kate, 27, a teacher in Pennsylvania, thought canceling was the ultimate form of self-care. “I went through a phase where I canceled on my friends pretty much every weekend in favor of laying down,” she tells Bustle. “I loved it but I noticed I would feel extra bored the next day — and also guilty for not showing up.”

This is reflected in data, too. Skipping get-togethers on a regular basis can take a toll on your mental state, since social isolation increases your risk of anxiety and depression, according to the American Medical Association.

Maya Rufino, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist based in California, has noticed that her clients are experiencing more fatigue and stress than before. While it’s only natural to cross things off your calendar as a remedy, one way out of the collective bed rot era is by forcing a behavioral change.

“Rest is an important part of self-care, but so is social connection,” Rufino tells Bustle. “As an introvert frequently facing the internal conflict between my friends and the couch, I’m always glad I went out with friends. I laugh, I gain perspective or get support, and I feel this sense of deep connection to myself and others that my couch could never offer.”

She adds, “Maintaining community requires effort and reciprocation, which benefits everyone involved. Part of the effort you put in might be going out even if you're tired or even if you'd rather be with a new partner. [In return], your friends will appreciate it and support you when you need it.”

“Your friends will appreciate it and support you when you need it.”

If you made plans with your girls for happy hour, but feel yourself itching to bail, Rufino recommends asking yourself what you’d gain from staying home. Would you actually feel refreshed, or would you perpetuate your boredom, anxiety, or fatigue?

Another way to break this habit is by slowly adding plans back into your life. Rufino recommends going out once a week or once a month to see how you feel. Hopefully you’ll get on a roll — and out of a rut.

Source:

Maya Rufino, LCSW, therapist