21 Things To Stop Doing ASAP If You Want To Be In A Relationship

If your dating life isn’t what you want it to be, it may be time to step back and examine your process, including what’s working, what isn’t working, what you do to meet people, and most importantly what you should stop doing if you want a partner.

When it comes to finding a relationship, it’s super easy to get stuck in a series of habits that you repeat over and over again, says Trisha Wolfe, LPCC, a licensed professional clinical counselor and owner of CBUS Therapy. “We often repeat what’s familiar to us,” she tells Bustle, which might explain why you keep ending up with the same type of person or why your relationships never seem to stick.

If all your connections fizzle out, it’ll help to make a few tweaks. “Changing things up — even just a little — may yield great benefits,” Wolfe tells Bustle. “When you consciously make a change, you become more aware of your triggers, tendencies, and external environment. All of this can help you be more mindful when you date, which can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.” Here, 21 things you need to stop doing ASAP if you want a relationship, according to experts.

1. Stop Making Quick Assumptions

While dating apps are all about making snap judgments based on a few pics, you’ll have way more luck if you slow down and take a closer look. “When we are swiping, we have so little information to go off of that we have a habit of creating stories in our head that fit a narrative,” says Erika Kaplan, the VP of membership at Three Day Rule Matchmaking.

Someone’s picture or the way they answer a question can give you a lot of info, but you’ll never really know who they are until you ask. “There’s a difference between interests and values,” says Kelly Neupert, LPC, a licensed therapist. So who knows? You might actually hit it off with someone, even though you don’t share all the same hobbies.

2. Stop Chasing That Instant Spark

“We are wired for instant gratification,” Kaplan says, which is why it’s common to think that a relationship isn’t going to work if you don’t see fireworks right away. First dates are nerve-racking and it can be tough to fully relax and show off your personality, so give your connection a chance to build.

“I see [people] jump ship way too early because they didn't feel that immediate gravitational pull towards their date,” she adds. “Sometimes the spark builds with time and familiarity. If you are remotely interested in this person, go on a second date!”

3. Stop Waiting Until Everything’s Perfect

While you might think you have to clean your apartment, fully train your dog, and travel to Europe before you consider yourself ready to date, you don’t have to be a fully self-actualized human being in order to swipe right.

In fact, setting a really high bar for yourself can mean missing out on some pretty wonderful people, says Wolfe. If you have room in your schedule to date, go ahead and give it a try.

4. Stop Sticking To One Type

If you have a certain type of partner that you end up with time and time again, consider if those traits are really working for you. “It's human nature to gravitate towards what's familiar, even if what's familiar isn't necessarily best,” Kaplan says. “But when we stick with the same dating habits or parameters over and over, we are bound to repeat history and ultimately end up right back at square one.” That’s why it may help to make a few tweaks to what you’re looking for a partner. Kaplan encourages you to switch up your patterns; you might be surprised by who you end up liking.

5. Stop Putting All Your Eggs In One Basket

If you’re truly looking for a relationship, counselor Jerilyn Adams, LPC suggests resisting the urge to immediately put all your eggs in one basket. “Oftentimes, when we meet someone we like, we focus totally on them, which makes everything feel heightened,” she tells Bustle. By lining up a few dates, it takes the pressure off and you’ll have the confidence to ditch someone if they aren’t great or if they stop texting back. “Dating is a numbers game,” Adams says. “You have to put yourself out there.”

6. Stop Comparing Everyone To An Ex

It’s important to do the work to move on from an ex, says Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd. While you might be on a mission to recreate what you had with your ex, or to find someone similar because they were your type, there’s a reason why that relationship didn’t work out. By allowing yourself to be open to new people and new experiences, you’ll increase your chance of ending up with someone who’s way better for you.

It also helps to keep in mind that people who remind you of your ex aren’t your ex. “Just because your ex was emotionally immature and unable to communicate doesn't mean that another partner will have the same issues” says Neupert. “Remember that everyone has different context, experiences, and relational habits, so don't discount somebody because you're projecting past fears or experiences onto them that might not be true.”

7. Stop Ignoring Red Flags

That said, if you’ve gone on a few dates and have started to see a future with someone, but can’t shake the feeling that something’s off with your connection, listen up. According to Alderson, it’s easy to ignore red flags when you like someone, so try to remain aware of that little inkling — no matter how exciting the budding relationship might be.

“Pay attention to your intuition and trust it when it tells you that something isn’t right,” she tells Bustle. “If you find yourself regularly dismissing warning signs, take a step back and ask yourself why. Remind yourself that spending time with people who aren't right for you isn’t going to serve your best interests in the long run.” And it certainly won’t lead to a healthy relationship.

8. Stop Delaying Self Work

If you aren’t sure what you want or need in a relationship, consider doing some self work. “Personal growth is uncomfortable and difficult, but it is deeply rewarding,” Alderson says. She recommends going to therapy to discuss your past, to uncover traumas, or to figure out new lifestyle habits that’ll get you where you want to be.

Therapy offers the chance to address old baggage you’ve been carrying around, possibly from an past relationships. It can also help you uncover deeply-engrained family beliefs or self-esteem issues that may be holding you back. Therapy can help you let it all go so can approach dating with fresh eyes.

9. Stop Trying To Change Who You Are

If you want to try new hobbies, change up your style, go back to school, or focus on self-improvement, then by all means have at it. Just make sure you aren’t doing these things to impress someone. If you catch yourself making changes for another person, you risk entering a relationship that isn’t accurate or based on things you actually want, says therapist Erin Dierickx, LMFTA. And that’s guaranteed to backfire.

10. Stop Seeking Approval From Family & Friends

How many times have you shown a friend your most recent match only for them to say no immediately? While it’s always helpful to get a second opinion — and to listen to people who are genuinely concerned about your relationship with your partner — you should go with what you want above all else. “Ultimately you are the one who will spend the most time with this person,” Kaplan says. “Generally, if you're happy, your friends and family will fall in line.”

11. Stop Getting Caught Up In “The Rules”

There are so many rules when it comes to dating: Wait an hour before texting back, don’t kiss or hook up on the first date, etc. The list goes on and on, it makes you overthink, and it certainly isn’t serving anyone, says Helen Wyatt, LMFT, a therapist and sex and relationship expert.

Instead of sticking to some random playbook, slow down and think about whether or not you believe these things or think they’re actually important. “Make sure these guides are yours and not ones set by outdated cultural norms and thinking,” Wyatt tells Bustle.

12. Stop Ignoring All Your Messages

Here’s a simple tip: If you have a backlog of messages on Hinge, take the time to reply to your matches and get a few convos going. “Say yes to the opportunities that show up for you,” says breakup coach Chelsea Leigh Trescott, MFA, CPC. “By keeping your energy open, you’re telling the world you’re serious and ready.”

13. Stop Staring Down At Your Phone

However tempting it may be to stare down at your phone when out in public, try to use that time as an opportunity to look up and start conversations, Trescott says. Say hi to the person next to you in the bar, smile at a fellow laptop-user in a cafe, or ask someone on the train about a book they’re reading. It’s nerve-racking, sure. But Trescott says this habit builds confidence and opens you up to meeting new people.

14. Stop Sticking To The Same Routine

To change your dating prospects — especially if you aren’t into apps — it may be time to change things up in terms of where you go and who you see. “You have to get out and put yourself out there,” Adams says. “If you go to places you enjoy, or places the type of person you're looking for might enjoy, there's a chance you might find [someone].”

Not seeing anyone of interest as you go about your usual routine? Then consider volunteering, going out with friends, or starting a new hobby. You never know! Your next partner might be in that book club you keep meaning to join.

15. Stop Thinking They’re “The One”

It’s tough, but try not to show up for a date wondering if this is really it. “Instead, begin to frame [a date] as a practice that allows you to center yourself, your wants, needs, boundaries, dealbreakers, values, and pleasure,” says Wyatt. It’ll take a lot of the pressure off and make the process a lot more fun.

It may sound cliché, but there really is something to the old adage that you “meet someone when you least expect it.” If you approach dating as a fun experience, instead of a chore to find a partner, it changes the whole energy and leads to a lot more success.

16. Stop Running Away

If you want a relationship you’ll definitely want to work on your habit of running away the moment things get serious. “Be aware of that tendency and catch yourself when you're doing it,” Neupert says. “Lean into the idea that what you've been doing hasn't worked and try something new.”

If you typically stop texting back after a few days, challenge yourself to send more messages. If you tend to re-open dating apps once the shine of a new-relationship wears off, talk to your partner about how you feel. It might help you get over the first hurdle where you normally run away.

17. Stop Playing It Cool

You might feel like you have to play it cool or act like you don’t care in order to keep someone’s interest. And yet, if you want a committed relationship, it’ll help to honestly communicate what you’re looking for early and often, Neupert says. If that scares the other person away, so be it. “It's better to know now before you invest time, energy, and effort into a relationship that’s going nowhere,” she says.

18. Stop Ignoring Your Boundaries

“When we fear that setting boundaries might halt the progression of a relationship, we can often abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship,” Neupert says. “Be honest with yourself about what behaviors have negatively impacted you and your dating experiences in the past and set intentional boundaries.” It might mean you don’t want to hook up right away, or meet their friends quite yet, or see each other every day. Let them know what is and isn’t OK. The right person will be totally cool with it.

19. Stop Letting It Drag On

It’s helpful to give people a chance, start conversations with folks who aren’t your type, and go on second dates to see if you truly get along. That said, if you’re on date number three or four, feel free to cut ties.

“If after the third date you’re still not really feeling a connection, it is time to break it off and find new prospects,” Dr. Beth Ribarsky, a professor of interpersonal communication at University of Illinois Springfield, tells Bustle. “Even though it is nice to feel wanted, the more time you spend on someone you’re not truly connecting with, the less time you have to explore other potential matches.”

The more time that passes the harder it’ll be to end things, too. “Three dates is ample time to see if you might have a connection worth exploring further,” she says.

20. Stop Thinking About A Timeline

Once you decide you want a relationship, it can suddenly seem like the clock is ticking. You might tell yourself that “if it doesn’t happen now it never will,” says Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., a board-certified health psychologist. But nothing could be further from the truth. “You are not on a timeline,” she tells Bustle. It’s OK to go slow, take breaks, date someone for a few months and then call it off. There is no right or wrong. While the pressure of a biological clock may be very real for people who want kids, love can find you at any time and families come together in all sorts of ways.

21. Stop Thinking A Relationship Will Make You Happy

Of course relationships can be fun and fulfilling, but it feels really good to free yourself from the idea that a relationship is the only thing that can make you happy, Wolfe says. Once you let go of that notion, it can free you up to actually enjoy the process of finding a partner — and have a lot more luck.

Sources:

Trisha Wolfe, LPCC, licensed professional clinical counselor, owner of CBUS Therapy

Erika Kaplan, VP of membership at Three Day Rule Matchmaking

Kelly Neupert, LPC, licensed therapist

Jerilyn Adams, LPC, licensed professional counselor

Jessica Alderson, relationship expert, co-founder of So Syncd

Erin Dierickx, LMFTA, licensed marriage and family therapist associate

Helen Wyatt, LMFT, therapist, sex and relationship expert

Chelsea Leigh Trescott, MFA, CPC, breakup coach

Dr. Beth Ribarsky, professor of interpersonal communication, University of Illinois Springfield

Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., board-certified health psychologist