I Love My Dog, But I Miss My Sex Life

The first time June* brought her now-husband back to her apartment, it was a sh*t show. Literally. “We walked into a horrible stench. My dog had terrible diarrhea,” she tells Bustle. June had warned John that she and her puppy, Chewbacca*, were a “package deal,” and she feared this was a bridge too far. “He was actually an angel and offered to help clean, but I adamantly made him stay put on the couch while I cleaned in embarrassment.” Ultimately, the diarrhea proved to be a “mood-killer,” and no sex was had that night.

When they finally did the deed, it wasn’t without hiccups. “My apartment was a studio, and there were no doors to close. Being a boisterous puppy, she ended up getting a little too involved,” June says. “She somehow sneakily got into a position where she was able to lick his balls and even brought us one of her toys, to which he yelped, ‘Oh! She brought a toy!’”

Fortunately, Chewbacca didn’t derail things entirely. June and John are now three years into their marriage, and Chewbacca still inserts herself where she isn’t wanted, and she’s not alone. Although many claim that having a baby is the biggest hurdle to having sex (so many sleepless nights! So much spit-up!), dogs are giving them a run for their money. Because behind closed doors, the b*tches are c*ckblocking — both for couples, who stress over “fur babies” who resent their parents’ “alone time,” and singles, who struggle with introducing new partners to their often-territorial canine companions.

Pet ownership has grown exponentially over the past three decades, as have the roles of animals in our lives. Two-thirds of U.S. households now have at least one domesticated animal — and among those households, 97% consider their pets to be part of the family. Unsurprisingly, canines are the… top dogs, with 65.1 million households having at least one.

“Nowhere in our evolutionary history have we ever wanted dogs to be what we want them to be now. We’ve always asked them to guard our houses, protect our families, and make sure that they ward off dangerous strangers,” says Vanessa Woods, a research scientist at Duke University’s Puppy Kindergarten program and co-author of an upcoming book on dog behavior. “Now, as [millennials] have been having less and less children, puppy-raising culture has become much more like raising children.” We’re bringing our dogs to restaurants, splurging on trendy outfits for them, and taking pet bereavement leave once they’re no longer with us.

And when you include your dog in everything, is it that surprising they’d expect to be included in… everything?

I can’t say I love giving head with her seemingly staring into my soul.

Emily and her fiancé are one of those millennial couples who opted for a dog over a baby. They both welcomed Pookie into their lives, but neither was ready for the “near ménage à trois” they soon found themselves in. “She refuses not to be on the bed, oddly close to us, like within a few inches,” Emily says. They’ve attempted to lock Pookie out of the bedroom, but her scratching and whimpering was far from an aphrodisiac. “So we’ve just gotten used to it,” Emily says of having the dog in the room. “Although I can’t say I love giving head with her seemingly staring into my soul.”

But some canines are simply too large for any semblance of three’s company. Like Aubrey’s 95-pound Great Dane mix that “looks like a sexy Scooby-Doo” and has scared off multiple suitors. “I was briefly seeing a comedian, and while we were in the middle of having sex, he started screaming… Ziggy had licked his *sshole,” Aubrey says. “A few days later, the comedian invited me to one of his shows where he then told that story on stage.”

Nowadays, Ziggy usually minds his own business, in the bedroom and otherwise. Aubrey’s current boyfriend identifies as “Ziggy’s zaddy,” but the dog’s loyalty is still with mom. “If my boyfriend ever slaps my *ss during sex, Ziggy immediately sprints to my rescue and looks to me to make sure everything is OK,” she says. (And for what it’s worth, Ziggy was the one to set them up: “I was walking in the park with Zig and saw a group of sexy skater boys. One in particular stood out to me, and Ziggy ran up to him and started licking his knees.”)

A spanking-sensitive dog might seem like a modern dilemma, but according to Woods, dogs are acting on primal instinct when they respond to sexual activity. “Wolves get very jealous of their primary partner, and they interrupt copulation,” she says. “Do dogs understand what’s going on? I don’t know. But when there’s lots of excited, happy noises coming from somewhere and they’re not involved? Jealousy!” (Woods’ advice for peaceful quiet time? “Build in alone time during the day for your puppy to just be by themselves, along with the crate at night, so they get used to it.”)

Envy can make us all act a little crazy. I mean, is howling outside the door really all that different than shooting a drunk text? And isn’t jumping onto the bed just a dog’s version of a Stage 5 virgin clinger?

But no dog got their revenge quite like Mackenzine’s little girl, Boodini. “We decided to start closing our bedroom door on Boo when we had sex, and she soon unleashed what would become her special trick: Right as I was about to orgasm, she went off on an alarmist barking jag that completely distracted me,” says Mackenzie. “This became a routine to such an extent that we often chose to leave the door open and let her watch lest I get right to the edge of orgasm only to be rudely shaken from the dream by Boodini and her psychic, psycho barking.” Boodini: 1, Mackenzine: 0.

* Names have been changed for anonymity — even the dogs’.