I Quit IG. My Parasocial Relationships Still Live Rent-Free In My Head.

I live with three ghosts: the specter of a mean girl from high school, an influencer with golden hair and great clothes, and a runner who clocks seven-minute miles. Three months ago, I deactivated all my social media accounts because I could no longer stomach the disgust I felt after spending hours a day checking in on online strangers instead of getting creative or spending time with my real-life loved ones. I never meant to get so stuck. All that time spent scrolling through their OOTDs, workouts, and house renovations only made me feel jealous, self-righteous, lethargic, and disconnected. I wanted out.

But as I quickly discovered, online breakups with strangers present their own challenges. I find myself wondering how the queen bee’s wedding planning is going. Did that influencer dye her hair back to brown? Was that runner chasing a new PR?

I’ve parted ways with social media, but these parasocial relationships still live rent-free in my mind. In other words, I feel attached, even though (my Regina George aside), we’ve never met. “Traditionally, these connections formed with actors or musicians — think of fans in the ’80s talking to posters on their walls,” says therapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT. “Today, [they] take place more commonly toward influencers via social media.”

Because Alex Cooper or (insert any random influencer here) shares intimate details of their lives — say, where they brunch in L.A. or their go-to Burt’s Bees lip balm — we suddenly feel like we know them. That doesn’t go away when we hit delete.

Still, we try. The urge to renounce social media is trending. According to a study conducted by cybersecurity firm VPNOverview, in 2022, there were more than 900,000 searches for “delete” or “deactivate” Instagram. On Reddit, people are talking about the benefits of nuking their TikTok accounts.

One-sided connections are obviously easier to maintain than real friendships and serve a host of purposes, including helping us pass the time. But ultimately, these ghosts may leave us feeling hollow, insecure, and (yes) straight-up haunted.

Parasocial Relationships Serve A Purpose

Parasocial relationships can have a firm and lasting grip on our psyches. “The Internet gives us so much access to people,” says Kate Lindsay, who writes about life in the Internet age (including on Bustle). “Not only can you find out a lot of stuff, [but people] also volunteer so much information. We all do. From what we do in the morning to the things you see when you’re out and about. We’re all kind of conditioned to share our musings on, like, pretty much our day-to-day experiences.”

These minutiae create a false sense of intimacy. After all, you might know the details of Selena Gomez’s skin care routine. Can you say the same about your very best friend?

Even a stream of seemingly insignificant details can be hard to shake. “After quitting social media, one of the hardest adjustments can be no longer keeping up with the lives of those you followed — it can feel as though something is missing,” says Goldberg.

My daily check-ins with the mean girl from high school gave me a sense of superiority about how shiny my career and personal life seemed compared with hers, followed by immediate self-hatred for judging a life I no longer know anything about.

Our online follows serve different purposes, of course. The two social media relationships I miss most are aspirational: the runner and the beauty queen, who both let me imagine who I could be if only I had more money, confidence, and discipline. While this type of follow only amounted to jealousy for me, New York-based writer Alessandra Rey says that following Mari Llewellyn, founder of the supplements brand Bloom, for the past six years has had “wonderfully positive impacts” on her life.

“She has her green juice every day, so I started drinking my green juice every day. Sometimes she’ll post that she’s having it, and I’ll realize that I haven’t had mine that day, so I’ll go and get it,” says Rey, who has also found herself emulating Llewellyn’s cowgirl chic style and workout regimen. The influencer’s strength-training guides sparked Rey’s interest in fitness. “They were, you know, branded and cute and accessible. So I fell in love,” she says.

Hate follows, meanwhile, can threaten our sense of self-fulfillment. “If you’re having trouble working on being confident on your own,” Lindsay says, “it can be easy to say ‘At least, I’m doing better than this person.’” Without your daily peek through the window at your hate follow’s life, loving or appreciating your own may feel difficult. My daily check-ins with the mean girl from high school gave me a sense of superiority about how shiny my career and personal life seemed compared with hers, followed by immediate self-hatred for judging a life I no longer know anything about.

If nothing else, these online relationships are an easy dose of human contact, even if it’s one-sided. “Following others’ lives can feel like a low-risk, meaningful connection. It provides a sense of closeness without requiring vulnerability, intimacy, or reciprocation,” she explains. Unlike an IRL friendship, there’s no risk of getting hurt.

In a way, I think the lack of friction is what I miss most about these relationships. My online voyeurism almost felt like I was befriending my “dream” self. I eventually realized that in the time I kept scrolling, I could have been writing or learning or investing in my friendships. In other words, I could have been paving the path toward that future instead of just watching its shadows online.

How To Live With Our Ghosts

Not everyone needs to cut ties with their parasocial connections. Lucy*, who works in the wellness industry in Los Angeles, says that the people she follows most closely — which include financial podcasters Amie Tollefsrud and Tanya Rad — have changed her life for the better. “They emulate a lot of who I want to be: free, wealthy, funny, in love, et cetera — and they give advice on how to get there,” she says.

But if you’d like to set boundaries with them, Goldberg recommends placing an extra emphasis on your IRL friendships. “Having a parasocial relationship isn’t necessarily negative. It can sometimes serve as a helpful filler for those feeling isolated or in need of specific support,” she says. For instance, someone who’s navigating the aftermath of a sexual assault may find solace in scrolling through the feed of another survivor.

“When they start to become a crutch, it may be time to step back and focus on reconnecting with real-life relationships, which ultimately offer more meaningful support for mental health,” Goldberg says. Pouring your focus into maintaining or building new friendships can keep you from missing those half-hearted online bonds.

If you can’t stop thinking about a stranger’s newborn or house renovations, consider what’s behind that impulse. “Start by getting curious about what following this person truly brought you,” Goldberg says. Why is it important for you to know the next step of their lives? Are you hoping they succeed or struggle? Why? “Identifying the core purpose behind these feelings can help you realize that this desire is about you, not them,” she says.

If you still find yourself mentally tapping through their Instagram stories, you may need a more formal strategy. “Develop a plan for redirecting your focus when these thoughts come up. Instead of dwelling on them, consciously shift your attention elsewhere,” says Goldberg. For example, any time you think about the creator, give that thought a nod, then try taking three deep breaths.

Now, whenever I start thinking about that speedy runner or the influencer I’d love to look like, I text a friend or family member instead. I say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” or “I miss you.” I plan dinners and hot girl walks. After all, that’s why I quit social media in the first place: so I could show up for my relationships (including the one with myself) with more energy and presence. Ultimately, I want a life filled with mutual relationships, not a mind full of ghosts.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

Expert sources:

Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, therapist

Kate Lindsay, writer about life online