The New Rules Of Money & Friendship

When you’re true friends with somebody, you can do just about anything with them — and when you have someone you can do everything with, chances are that you’re spending money with them, too. But even with the closest friends, when cash is thrown into the mix, tensions can rise due to factors like different budgets or varying spending habits.

As easy as it would be to say money isn’t an object when it comes to friendships, it’s not the case. The people you pass your time with are inevitably the people you spend your hard-earned dollars with, whether on small purchases like drinks, Uber rides, and coffee hangs or bigger financial investments like extravagant birthday parties, group vacations, and weddings.

Money is admittedly a sensitive subject — it’s the top cause of conflict between married couples — so it can be uncomfortable to navigate. Even if you can bare your soul to someone, you might still struggle to discuss which restaurants you can afford for girls’ night.

Bustle asked nearly 250 readers about money etiquette, from how salary disparities affect their friendships to the three most taboo financial topics. Read on for some rules inspired by these reader responses, which can help take the awkwardness out of cash convos.

Don’t Send Your Best Friend A Venmo Request For Less Than $10

According to respondents, good friends know how to take turns spotting one another for small purchases — think a coffee or a transit fare.

Nearly 90% of people said they’d never request their friend for something less than $10, and 47% said the same about costs under $20. Close friends can cover one another with the understanding that the next small purchase will be on the other person. “It all evens out in the end,” one person says.

You shouldn’t feel like you have to cover for a new acquaintance. “As [the friendship] gets more peripheral, that’s when I feel comfortable requesting/being requested to pay back.”

It’s OK To Nicely Remind Your Friends To Pay You Back

If your friend hasn’t paid you back in a while, it’s not bad form to remind them. You can do so by sending a reminder on Venmo (or your preferred app), but some people think sending a quick text to ask shouldn’t be awkward.

“I’ll text them saying something like, ‘Ugh hate to be a drag but, just in case you forgot, can you Venmo me for XYZ?’” one person says. Another suggests wording a text along the lines of, “‘Hey can you send me this, I need it to pay my credit card bill,’ or ‘Hey working on my budget, when do you think you can pay me back for x?’”

Sorry, Last-Minute Cancellations Aren’t Refundable

Group trips are a big financial commitment so if you say you’re attending, try your best to keep your word. Nearly 45% of respondents think if you back out of a trip at the last minute, you should still be responsible for the cost of the hotel or lodging if already discussed. If the cost was split multiple ways, one person backing out can significantly increase the price for everyone.

Not only that, but the lodging was likely chosen early on in the planning stages to accommodate everybody — one person could be what makes booking a second hotel room necessary, for instance. Of course, this sort of issue is on a case-by-case basis (36% of people say the potential for a refund depends on why the person is canceling), so communication is ultimately key here.

On Group Trips, Talk About Money In Advance

A trip with your friends may end up costing a pretty penny, so transparency is the most important thing in the planning process. Nearly 67% of respondents say their friend groups are very upfront about costs on a group vacation. Having these conversations early on — before an Airbnb’s booked or a dinner reservation’s made — can make all the difference.

“Make sure you are all on the same page and make sure that there are no built-up frustrations… If your friends expect you to spend money you don't have, just be honest,” one respondent says. “If you can't be a little bit vulnerable, are they even your friends?”

Try Not To Let Salary Differences Impact Your Friendships

Fifty-seven percent of people say their close friend group has a range of salaries, and 63% said their friends have a mix of spending habits. That can cause occasional tension.

“How much a person makes and is comfortable spending can impact the kinds of things you do. I’ve been in relationships where it was assumed that I could spend a lot and it was uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing to have to challenge the status quo,” one person says. “It’s really hard not to get jealous or judgmental of friends’ purchases/money as your lives or income start to diverge,” says another.

Another respondent says they know they make more than their friends, and keep that in mind when making plans: “Being the friend in the group who is a high earner, and it’s known, I try to always be generous and considerate of what others are able to spend.” Ultimately, as long as there’s “open and honest communication in a friendship surrounding money,” as one respondent put it, there shouldn’t be any problems.

Yes, You (Probably) Still Need To Give A Gift At A Destination Wedding

Couples asking wedding guests to pay to travel to their wedding destination should probably lower their expectations when it comes to gifts. They’ll probably get something, but 72% of people think it can be something smaller than what someone would give if the celebration was nearby.

Thoughtful gifts don’t have to be ultra-pricey, either: “I think I’d give a small gift for a destination wedding like embroidered pillowcases or something cute rather than cash,” one person says.

Don’t Talk About These 3 Things… Ever

While some people think nothing should be off-limits between best friends, others disagree. When it comes to how much money you spent on a gift, you can keep that info to yourself — it can come across as tacky to let them know how much their gift cost and might add unintended pressure for what they should spend on a gift for you.

A majority (55%) of people say they’d never share their partner’s salary with their friends, and 50% of people think it’s wrong to discuss the intimate details of an inheritance, too, so there’s nothing wrong with keeping these things on the DL.