12 Sassy Comebacks For Every Annoying Question Your Family Asks During The Holidays

The holidays are here, and as we all know, the best part is family time. But also, the worst part. Our beloved families are a joy to be around — until, of course, they start asking questions. Even questions with the best of intentions can go awry, but fortunately, this holiday season we have you covered. Just because they’re not trying to make you feel bad doesn’t mean a little sass won’t help.

Consider the following comebacks for every annoying question a family might ask.

Are you sure you need a second slice?

“Well, no, I’m not sure I need a second slice. But I also didn’t need a first slice, and arguably, I didn’t need the seltzer I drank at the meal either, since I was already sufficiently well-hydrated, nor did I really need the deodorant I put on this morning. What do any of us really need, other than shelter, rice, beans, and water? The human body is remarkably resilient; didn’t you watch Yellowjackets? Speaking of, do you need that iPhone you’re holding?”

So, when are you and your boyfriend planning on getting engaged?

“Well, right now, our next big move is butt stuff. Do you want us to keep you updated on what we do after?”

Anyone special in your life right now?

“You, obviously, Aunt Martha! How cruel would it be if I didn’t think you were special? So, so, so special that I’ll let it slide that you’re asking me about my love life, even though I’ve asked you two or three times not to.”

When are you moving back home?

“I’m not sure. My childhood bedroom hasn’t really fit my aesthetic since the Backstreet Boys started to look like they could be my sons, but if anything changes, you’ll be the first to know!”

Are you thinking about getting a real job any time soon?

“Yes, totally, I’d love to start looking for a ‘real’ job, I’m just super busy with my current job. Weird — even though it’s imaginary, I still have to go into work five or six times a week. Maybe this is something I could write a fantasy novel about.”

Did you know our neighbor’s daughter (who we’ve always compared with you, for all of eternity, in a condescending way) just passed the bar exam?

“Oh, great! I’ll give her a call next time I get arrested for public nudity; the more lawyers I know, the better.”

What do you think of XYZ political issue?

“I’d love to tell you, but I have this vague sense — based on, idk, what you post regularly on Facebook — that we might not agree. And wouldn’t it be nice to agree, since it’s the holidays? For example, this pumpkin pie looks delicious, and I need a second slice. I think we can all agree on that.”

There sure is a lot of crime in your city!

“I know, right! I saw a stray kitten last week that stole my heart; can you believe that little guy? A tiny heart-thief, walking around the streets of Bushwick.”

Are you keeping your hair like that?

“Funny you should ask. I actually paid $100,000 to get this newfangled type of hair that doesn’t grow. So yes, it’s staying the way it is.”

When are you two going to start a family?

“Whoa! Did you hear that, babe? We’re not a family. Even though we’re married. Hmm, I think I may have filed my taxes wrong, but please don’t tell the IRS.”

Any promotions in the near future?

“Do you want my boss’ number? Because she’s the one who decides. Feel free to give her a call; she prides herself on working holidays. And it’s that type of toxic corporate culture that makes me sure a promotion is not only just around the corner, but also exactly what I want.”

Can you help me with the Roku?

Actually, don’t give a snappy answer to this question. Just help your older relative with the Roku. It’s famously hard to use.