TikTok’s “Birth Order Dating Theory,” Explained

Step aside, astrology. When figuring out who you’re most compatible with in a relationship, you might want to consider your birth order. While this topic has existed for ages about family dynamics, it’s recirculating on TikTok as part of the “birth order dating theory,” so let’s talk about it.

Think back to all your past relationships and note if your exes were the oldest, youngest, or the middle child in their family, as well as what order you’re in. According to this theory, the combo could explain why the connection didn’t work out, like when creator @cuteasssxymf discovered she’s only ever dated youngest siblings — and just like that, a lot of her dating history made sense.

As the eldest daughter in her family, her video implied the eldest daughter/youngest son match-up doesn’t always work well, and her comment section seemed to agree. One person said, “Eldest daughter and youngest son. A canon event we’ve all unlocked.”

In another video, creator @natlovesbway also posted about birth order as another eldest daughter who’s dated youngest sons, but in her comments, other duos quickly emerged. One person said, “My [husband and I are both the oldest] and let me tell you we had years of power struggle before learning to chill TF out.” Another wrote, “I’m an only child dating an only child and we spoil one another.” Here’s what to know.

The Birth Order Dating Theory

Simply put, this theory suggests that the order you were born dictates things like your personality and relational tendencies, and in turn affects your dating dynamics, says Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, a therapist with Meridian Counseling.

For example, eldest daughters often develop strong leadership qualities and a sense of responsibility because they’re the oldest and often have to take care of themselves while their parents focus on younger children.

“Many also grow up as caregivers within the family, which can lead to both strengths (dependability, organization, ambition) and challenges (perfectionism, feeling overburdened, difficulty asking for help),” she tells Bustle.

Many oldest siblings grow up to be responsible perfectionists or independent people who prefer to be on their own, and you can see how that might impact who they may feel attracted to. “In dating, eldest daughters may be drawn to partners who offer emotional support and a sense of shared responsibility — someone who recognizes their tendency to take charge but also encourages balance and vulnerability,” she says.

If the eldest sibling were to end up with someone whose qualities clashed with these personality traits, it might explain why the relationship isn’t happy, balanced, or secure. Conversely, a relationship that highlights or supports these traits could last a lifetime.

In Theory, Who Should You Date?

Oldest Sibling

If you’re the oldest in your family, then you might be happiest with a fellow oldest child or a middle child who can either understand where your responsible, independent streak comes from. “Middle children are often diplomatic, flexible, and good at compromise, which makes them highly adaptable in relationships,” says Kushnir.

A middle child’s laidback personality could be the perfect complement to your stricter side, but they might also help you open up and have fun — without fraying your nerves or making it feel like you’re the only responsible one in the relationship. They might even understand your deep need to be left alone on occasion.

Meanwhile, the youngest of the family could be a little too childish, needy, or extroverted for your taste while an only child might seem too aloof or self-centered.

Middle Sibling

Middle children — who are neither the firstborn baby nor the actual baby of the family — tend to carve their own path in life. According to birth order theory, middle children are often adaptable and tuned in to the needs of others, which means you’d mesh well with an older sibling.

As the observant older sibling, they’d be there for you no matter what. On TikTok, a viral video from @tannervanb stated that middle children also tend to be glossed over in larger family dynamics, which is why you might enjoy being doted on by an attentive partner who always seems to anticipate your needs.

Your ideal person is someone who makes you feel seen and heard. But instead of taking advantage of this trait in a partner, you’d want to return the favor.

Youngest Child

As the baby of the family, you bring charm, playfulness, and spontaneity to relationships, but you can also be a bit spoiled and needy. It’s why the youngest children, who are accustomed to being doted on, may be happiest with only children who aren’t burnt out by family dynamics. Both may enjoy giving each other attention and may understand each other’s need for validation, says Kushnir.

According to @tannervanb, youngest siblings also have a chaotic streak, so the eldest/youngest combo often feels unbalanced or unfair. That said, it’s another reason why you get along well with only children — or even fellow youngest children.

Only Child

“Only children often develop strong independence, self-sufficiency, and deep personal interests,” says Kushnir, and it all stems from the years you spent on your own lost in your imagination. If you’re looking for a relationship, you should keep an eye out for middle or youngest children, since they also have a playful side.

As someone who grew up on their own you might feel more mature than other people your age, which is why you won’t want to waste your time with someone who plays with your feelings or asks for too much. Ideally, you’ll end up with one who doesn’t need a ton of external validation to feel loved and secure.

“A unique pairing that can also be an eldest child with an only child,” Kushnir adds. “Both may have a strong sense of responsibility and independence, which can create a mutual understanding of personal space and ambition. However, they must work on emotional connection and vulnerability to ensure balance.”

The Takeaway

The birth order theory isn’t an exact science, but if you’re having difficulties in your relationship or seem to experience the same dynamics over and over again, it could be fun to investigate the birth order of your partner.

“For example, two eldest children may struggle with power dynamics and control issues, while two youngest children might have difficulty establishing structure or taking responsibility,” says Kushnir, so it could explain why you never get a text back.

That said, if you’re in a happy relationship with someone who isn’t ideal for you according to the birth order theory, that’s also OK. “Ultimately, birth order provides an interesting lens through which to view relationships,” says Kushnir, “but true compatibility is shaped by deeper factors such as shared values, emotional intelligence, and individual growth.”

Source:

Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, therapist with Meridian Counseling