15 Bedroom Habits That Are Subtle Red Flags Your Relationship Won’t Last

When you start to date someone new, it's normal to be on the lookout for signs the relationship won't last — because it really sucks to get emotionally invested in someone who has no long-term potential. You might watch for bad habits on the first date or text your friends for advice when something feels off, but you should also be on the lookout for red flags in the bedroom, too.

How someone shows up during sex can say a lot about their emotional intelligence, communication style, and even whether they can show vulnerability in a relationship, says Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, Fullerton.

“Sex is one of the most intimate things we can do with another human, and it helps us connect with others,” she tells Bustle. What your partner does or says — or what they don’t do or say — can reveal if they’re present in the moment, communicate well, etc. “It can clue you into how that person might be in other areas of the relationship,” she says.

With that in mind, here are 15 red flags to watch out for in the bedroom, according to relationship experts.

These Bedroom Habits Are A Red Flag

1. They Won’t Talk About Sex

Since it can be awkward to talk about sex, you might not catch this red flag right away. But take note if your partner refuses to chat about what you like, what you don’t like, or how to make sex better.

“That’s a sign of poor sexual communication, which is one of the top predictors of sexual satisfaction,” says Suwinyattichaiporn. While they might not open up right away, it’s something to keep an eye on as you get to know each other better, especially if you hope to have a thriving sex life.

Their unwillingness to talk about sex may also be a sign that they’ll be unwilling to talk about other big or potentially awkward topics in your relationship, and that could make it tough to stick together long-term.

2. They Only Focus On Themselves

“If your partner treats sex like a one-player game and you’re just there to assist, that's not just bad sex — it could be a preview of emotional selfishness,” says Suwinyattichaiporn. “A healthy partner and sexual lover will care about reciprocity and making sure you’re satisfied, too.”

If you notice a pattern where they get off every time while you're left high and (literally) dry, it’s a pretty clear red flag that your partner is selfish not only in bed but probably in other areas, too.

"If your partner seems focused only on his or her pleasure, instead of making sure both people enjoy the experience, that's a possible sign of overall selfishness and emotional distance," says David Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert.

3. They Forget To Check In

It’s so important to check in with your partner before, during, and after sex. A quick “How does that feel?” shows a partner is thinking about you, and it also opens the floor for adjustments.

“If they never initiate that kind of dialogue, it might mean they’re uncomfortable with intimacy or learning the ways in which they could be better,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It might indicate they’re sensitive about not being perfect or that they’re not open to feedback, and neither trait has any place in a long-term relationship.

4. They Guilt-Trip Or Shame You

When it comes to sex — or any area of life, for that matter — guilt-tripping and shaming are absolutely off limits. If your partner tries to manipulate you by making you feel guilty in bed, consider it a huge red flag.

This can play out in so many ways. "If your partner guilt-trips or shames you for not enjoying the same sexual turn-ons as they do, that's a sign your partner may use guilt and shame as communication tactics, which are not healthy for any long-term relationship," Bennett says.

If you leave a sexual experience feeling bad about yourself or as if you let them down, that’s your cue to run far away.

5. They’re Unwilling To Try New Things

In a healthy sexual relationship, both partners should feel comfortable enough with each other to talk about what they like and dislike in bed, and that includes discussing the sexual experimentations you’d both like to try. Think kinks, fantasies, or even just new sex positions.

This isn’t about convincing them to do something (remember, no shaming or guilting!) but about being on the same page in terms of energy and adventurousness.

If you really want to try something new in bed and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa) it could be a sign you aren’t sexually compatible. If you don’t work on it, one or both of you may feel unfilled at some point in the future.

6. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

A healthy sex life is dependent on trust and comfort, two things you can never have if your partner regularly crosses sexual boundaries you put in place, says Brooke Bralove, LCSW, a psychotherapist and sex therapist.

For example, if you tell them that you don’t want them to touch a certain part of your body, but they do it anyway, that’s a massive red flag.

Even if they claim they got caught up in the moment and promise not to do it again, it suggests they lack respect for you and may be willing to push your boundaries in other ways.

7. They Use Demeaning Names

It’s one thing to use a demeaning name during sex when you both agree to it. Some people love to be called a name as a steamy turn-on. But if your partner whips out these words unexpectedly mid-hookup, take note of how you feel.

According to Bralove, being called demeaning names during sex indicates a pretty clear lack of respect. To see if they’ll stop, remind your partner that you don’t like it, but leave if your requests are ignored.

8. They Avoid Eye Contact

While sex doesn't have to be a stare-down, a little eye contact can be super intimate. It’s why many experts consider it a red flag if your partner continuously looks away.

If they avoid your gaze in the bedroom for seemingly no reason, it could be an indicator that they're either not sexually comfortable with you yet or that they don't want to feel super close to you. On the flip side, it might be equally uncomfortable if they insist you stare at them the entire time.

According to Bralove, this habit can be a sign that someone’s demanding or domineering, and not just in the bedroom. In some cases, it could also be a clue they’re about to ghost you. Someone who’s just looking for a quick hookup may be more likely to put a wall up or remain distant during the deed.

9. They Blame You When They Don’t Finish

If there's ever a time when either you or your partner doesn't reach orgasm, it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s something you can brush off or joke about while promising to have mind-blowing sex sometime soon.

That’s why you should take note if your partner doesn't finish and then acts angry, annoyed, or guilt-trippy. Any comments along these lines are a sign of immaturity, and that can be quite the turn-off in a relationship.

"It also doesn’t show that [they're] willing to be patient, loving, and gentle with you,” says Bralove. “Any behavior that feels demeaning to you is demeaning to you. Go with your gut instinct.”

10. They Get Upset If You Stop

Similarly, not all hookups go smoothly. You may change your mind halfway through or not feel well and want to stop. If so, your partner should be more than happy to hit the pause button.

If they aren’t able to do so without getting huffy, that’s a red flag. A caring, loving partner would be able to handle the change in plans without making you feel bad or trying to guilt-trip you into finishing.

11. They Make You Feel Bad If You Don’t Finish

On the flip side, if you don't finish and your partner mocks you for it or attempts to shame you, that's a different (but equally large) red flag, says Bralove. If you don't finish, a toxic partner might deflect blame: e.g., because they've made all their past partners orgasm, something must be wrong with you. It’s a sign that their ego is big or that they’re easily embarrassed, and that can make for a very toxic relationship.

12. They Get Weird About Protection

It sounds obvious that a partner who refuses to use protection might be bad news, but when you’re caught up in the moment, this flag can be easy to miss.

According to Patricia Bathurst, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, a refusal to practice safe sex is a sign someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, and that’s a huge no-go.

If they give you a hard time or straight up refuse to use protection, they certainly don’t deserve to be in your life.

13. They Tease You

If a partner teases you in the bedroom, meaning they poke fun at your skills or comment on how you look, don’t brush it off as playful banter. According to Bathurst, their willingness to embarrass you in the bedroom — a time when you’re most vulnerable — shows they aren’t a safe person to be around.

14. They Don’t Connect Emotionally

Not every hookup has to be slow and sultry or sweet and long-lasting. Sometimes you just want to get in a quickie before bed, and that’s OK. Do take note, however, if you never feel connected to your partner during sex.

According to Ciara Bogdanovic, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy, it’s a red flag if your partner doesn’t want to cuddle after sex or if they turn over and go cold right after.

“This can be a sign of emotional unavailability or a lack of emotional connection in the relationship,” she tells Bustle. “The foundation for a healthy relationship includes emotional intimacy, so without this the relationship is unstable.”

The same is true if they don’t kiss, smile, or get close during sex. If this is something you crave but they repeatedly let you down, you’ll want to talk about it ASAP.

15. They Make Jokes About Sex

While you can certainly laugh about something that went wrong during sex — like that time you both fell off the bed — take note if your partner doesn’t seem to take anything related to your sex life seriously.

“Humor can act as a shield and demonstrate emotional immaturity,” says Bogdanovic. “If they are unable to have real conversations about sex, they likely can’t handle adult issues or complex conversations. This relationship won’t last because they’ll never be able to get serious and manage the complexities that come with a relationship.”

What To Do If You Spot Red Flags

If something seems off before, during, or after sex, Suwinyattichaiporn recommends finding a safe space to have a non-defensive conversation.

“Start with something like, ‘Hey, can I share something I’ve been thinking about when it comes to how we connect physically?’ If they’re open and responsive, that’s a green flag,” she says. “If they deflect, shut down, or show disinterest, this may be a bigger sign of an unhealthy partnership.”

On their own, some of these intimacy problems can easily be solved with a quick chat, but if you feel like your partner's bad habits outnumber the good ones — or if you notice anything truly toxic — then trust your gut and don't invest any more time into them. Chances are the relationship won’t be a good long-term fit.

Sources:

Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, Fullerton

David Bennett, certified counselor, relationship expert

Brooke Bralove, LCSW, psychotherapist, sex therapist

Patricia Bathurst, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Ciara Bogdanovic, licensed psychotherapist, founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy