The Love Island 2023 Cast Is Messy AF

Goodness me, this cast is messy. As I begin typing up this column, I’ve just finished Sunday night’s episode which will surely go down as a masterclass for those moments where reality television meets cinema. Having seemingly rekindled her connection with Tom, Olivia is downstairs in the kitchen, smugly gushing to Lana and Tanyel about winning the upper hand in their will-they-won’t-they “unfinished business” arc. The camera pans out, and up on the terrace, in the same frame, Tom has just finished locking lips with bombshell Ellie. Olivia had been telling the beach hut that she didn’t want to just be Tom’s second option. Turns out that she might be his third.

It seems appropriate that these closing moments saw the emergence of a new love triangle, considering this week was ruled by them, some longer lived than others. Many viewers may not be happy to see Tom certain to be the center of competition again, considering that we have only just finally been released from the torturous Tom/Zara/Olivia arc. And it did make for truly painful viewing this week. Zara and Olivia have long established that they dislike each other, they appear content with this, they’ve made it known to all who will hear them, and their tensions had played out in an arduous power struggle over Tom. At this week’s recoupling, where it looked like Tom’s decision may finally draw a line under the entire matter, a last minute twist, the introduction of bombshells Spencer and Ellie, saw the decision removed from Tom’s hands, as Spencer chose to couple up with Olivia, who clearly wasn’t that interested in him, but happy to be picked, again, regardless. Now this left Tom to pick Zara, who it seemed he had been gravitating more towards anyway, and there was some sense of cautious relief that maybe, finally, even if hands were forced, the matter was settled.

But this is Love Island. In a game of dares, Tom was made to reveal his ideal girlfriend by selecting component parts, face, body, and personality, from three islanders. For personality he chose Lana, for body he chose Zara, for face he chose Olivia. And I have truly never been more baffled by the thought process of any man in the history of this show. It’s one thing for Tom to have chosen the arch nemesis of his current couple as winning in the face category, but to have selected Zara for body, in a way that reduces her to “booty call” territory is truly unthinkable. And the extent to which Zara was manipulated over the situation was baffling, with the other islanders talking about how “good” Tom had been to her, and convinced that he would’ve been in trouble whatever combination he chose. So perhaps it needs spelling out. The face is the physical centre of emotion, it’s where eyes make contact, where smiles communicate affection, and what truly makes you unique. The personality is the essence of an individual, what you connect with, and what ties your spirits together. The body is something you lie with. How could anyone not see how degraded Zara must have felt by being chosen for that?

It’s one thing for Tom to have chosen the arch nemesis of his current couple as winning in the face category, but to have selected Zara for body, in a way that reduces her to “booty call” territory is truly unthinkable.

In any case, I’m glad that Zara took the choice as indication that she needed to end things with Tom. Whilst Tom practically went on tour of South Africa, telling everyone but her that he was feeling “over” the situation and that they were incompatible, it took Zara to have the assuredness to steer their situation towards its close, and make clear what it was that made their attraction fail. So, somehow, Olivia ended up winning by default, but with the man she’s long coveted already conquered by another woman, is Tom really the prize that she’s gassed him up to be?

And then we’re on to our shorter lived love triangle, Ron/Lana/Ellie. When bombshell Ellie entered the villa and stole Ron from Lana at the recoupling, I have to be honest, I cheered. A flawless bombshell, coming in and telling Ron that she doesn’t feel he’s met his match in Lana was bold, but it also wasn’t wrong. How much do those two actually like each other, and how much do they like the idea of each other? I was an early supporter of Ron and Lana, but there’s something about their coupling that I just haven’t taken to - a kind of smugness on Lana’s behalf, and an overwhelming sense that Ron is desperately trying to tame his f*ckboy inclinations for the sake of a smoother and safer ride in the villa. And as viewers it feels like we’re just waiting for the mask to finally slip.

Cast your mind back to the entrance of Zara, and Ron seemed instantly obsessed with her, keen on her more “fiery” personality, but backing away once it was clear that Zara had other options. He was clearly taken in by Ellie, another bombshell who appeals to the seduction of fire, but decided to rule that he felt Ellie spoke too negatively of his relationship with Lana. But whose fault is it that Ellie was given such an impression? A liar if this show has ever seen one, Ron spent much of this week playing between the two girls – first telling Lana that he was all in for her, and then turning round to Ellie in the next scene to say “she’s not my girlfriend.” Now, with the introduction of latest bombshell Samie, Ron has somehow managed to find his exact type on paper with a grand total of four women in the villa. And it’s only the end of week two. Really, there’s not much more to say than this: Casa Amor is due to be one for the history books.

Now, with the introduction of latest bombshell Samie, Ron has somehow managed to find his exact type on paper with a grand total of four women in the villa. And it’s only the end of week two.

And who comes out on top this week other than my two communication kings: Will and Shaq. Shaq has quickly proved himself to be one of the more mature men in the villa, a rare voice of reason for a male contestant who’s willing to hold the other guys accountable for their behaviour. With his level of insight, it’s easy to see why him and Tanya are the strongest couple in the villa right now. His intervention with Ron is likely reason why he decided to cool things with Ellie and focus on Lana, though with the rate at which that boys head turns he may have his work cut out for him.

And Will. Farmer Will. I have to admit I did not instantly take to him. Having been traumatised by the “nice guy” narrative arcs of Dr Alex and PE teacher Hugo, I was horrified by the prospect of suffering more of the same. But Will is no descendant of these men, proving to be one of the funniest men we’ve had on this show, and having a subtle, sexual energy that makes you wonder just how applicable those farming skills are to other areas of life. The coupling with Jessie needs to end soon before he gets hurt, though. Already making her exit plan, Jessie’s exaggerated ick about Will becoming over excited when bouncing in a game has the signs of a woman who was never truly into a guy in the first place, and so is clambering for an excuse to leave him without looking like a bad person. Tale as old as time. But with Will being such a flawless communicator, saying everything right to reassure Jessie of his interest and intentions with her, she may have to give the performance of her life to both escape the coupling, and retain even a crumb of public goodwill.