What If The Aliens Are Girls?

Earlier this week, a former intelligence officer testified in front of Congress that somewhere in the bowels of the U.S. government, an ultra-secret group is sheltering recovered spacecraft and nonhuman bodies, and that these UFOs pose “a potential threat to our national security.” Clips from the surreal hearing immediately went viral, but after the constant drip-drip-drip of alien headlines from the past few years, not everyone seemed as concerned as the guy who testified — including comedian Ashley Ray, who joked, “should we throw a party? should we invite bella hadid?”

Ray’s question is rhetorical, but if she were asking in earnest, the intelligence officer guy probably would say, “No! Do not throw a party, and certainly to do not invite Bella Hadid!” I’m inferring this reaction partly because he seems unfun, and partly because he clearly doesn’t think this is good news. Like most government guys in movies, this guy seems to think these supposed aliens are coming to pew-pew us with their mind-boggling super-guns and generally subject us to unimaginable horrors. It’s game over, and all we can hope for is a swift, painless extinction.

But there’s another possibility. What if the Very Serious Pentagon Men aren’t trying to keep the aliens a secret because of their terrifying technological prowess? What if they’re (allegedly) maintaining the cover-up not because they’re worried about sparking worldwide panic, but because the nonhuman UFO pilots are something even more frightening to them than a highly advanced, bloodthirsty civilization? What if the aliens... are girls?

It’s natural to think that the aliens are boys. Even if they don’t have penises or stereotypical gender expressions per se, the versions we’ve seen in pop culture are always being guys. From the moment they appear, they’re hellbent on conquering and firing weapons and wreaking havoc on our world, as if we aren’t doing a perfectly good job of that ourselves. They’re determined to colonize the Earth (The Three Body Problem), use us as reproductive vessels (Alien), or just fry us up and eat us (The Twilight Zone’s “To Serve Man”). Even gentler aliens like E.T. are boy-coded. (That’s why it’s funny when that lovable little freak dons a blonde wig and dress — he’s clearly in drag.) Sure, exceptions are out there, but they just prove the rule.

Imagine instead a legion of extraterrestrials circling Earth in pastel flying saucers, braiding each other’s hair and gossiping about their emotionally unavailable crushes back in the homeworld. Patiently idling in Earth’s orbit while they draw up plans to launch Project: Makeover, when they’ll come bearing gifts like everlasting nail polish and instant zit eraser, but also zap us with rays that help us see how naturally beautiful we are. I mean, the timeline does make sense: American UFO sightings picked up steam in the late ’40s, just as women who’d gained some freedom and autonomy during the war were beginning to resent their relegation to the hearth and home, and they’ve persisted to today, when women in America and around the world are slowly ascending to leadership positions. Science fiction authors have long speculated that aliens are waiting for us to unlock advanced technologies before visiting, but what if, instead, they’ve just been on the lookout for signs of girl power. And with Barbie-mania inspiring hereto unforeseen levels of pink, and both Taylor Swift and Beyoncé bringing crowds to tears in quasi-religious fashion, it’s only a matter of time before the outer space girlies come join the party.

No revelation would curl a general’s mustache faster. They’d fear for their jobs, for their unchecked authority, for all the little pins on their big-boy uniforms. If the people learned that the aliens were girls, they’d rush to establish a new, intersectional feminist world order. “If only the aliens just wanted to kill us!” they’d say, tears welling in their eyes — but in private, because they are Very Serious Pentagon Men, and Very Serious Pentagon Men don’t cry.

Well, the gig’s up, shadowy intelligence agency dudes. If that one guy is right, and the aliens are already here, it’s already too late. It’s game over, and all the bad boys can hope for is that the Girl Aliens believe in prison abolition. If nothing else, this is cause for celebration. Let’s throw a party, and let’s invite Bella Hadid.