20 Fleabag Quotes To Make You Laugh (& Then Cry)

Season 1, Episode 1: “Dad’s way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fu*king our Godmother, and eventually stop calling,” Fleabag explains to camera – while walking into a feminist lecture.

Season 1, Episode 1: Speaking about her passive aggressive stepmother (played by Olivia Colman), Fleabag says, “To be fair, she is not an evil stepmother. She's just a c**t.”

Season 1, Episode 2: Looking straight to camera, Fleabag tells us: “I’m not obsessed with sex. I just can’t stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.”

Season 1, Episode 3: Speaking to Claire by their mother's graveside, Fleabag comforts her sister by saying, “I did a fart the other day that was exactly like mum's.”

Season 1, Episode 3: Speaking straight to camera again, Fleabag’s explanation of her brother-in-law is basically every creepy man you've ever met: “The man's got a problem. But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was ‘just being fun.’”

Season 1, Episode 3: When tasked with finding Claire a surprise birthday present with awful Martin, Fleabag drops another pearl of wisdom: “Chic means boring. Don't tell the French.”

Season 1, Episode 4: Presented without comment, Fleabag’s accidental new pitch for Dragon’s Den. “Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?” she asks Claire in the car. “Twat nav.”

Season 1, Episode 6: Mid-way through hooking up with Arsehole Guy, things go awry, and Fleabag tells the viewer, “There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection. They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.”

Season 1, Episode 6: In a parable worthy of inscription on 1000 fridge magnets, Fleabag has an unexpected nugget of wisdom for the bank manager tasked with bailing out her failing cafe. “People make mistakes,” he tells her. “It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils,” she replies. It’s also a subtle call back to a piece of wisdom Fleabag remembers from her late best mate, Boo.

Season 2, Episode 1: In the restaurant at the start of season two Claire says that putting pine nuts in a salad doesn’t make you an adult. Fleabag’s response? “F**king does.”

Season 2, Episode 1: Playing Fleabag and Claire’s evil godmother-turned-stepmother, Colman is the show’s finest villain. And when she’s not hard at work staging her next “sexhibition,” the deadpan clangers still keep on coming. Best of all is the moment she’s asked about her fluffy purse at an exceedingly awkward family dinner. “Is it fur?” Claire asks, mildly horrified. “Yes, but it's okay because it had a stroke,” she replies.

Season 2, Episode 2: “Look, just please tell me how to not fu*k a priest. Before I get arrested,” Fleabag begs her therapist (played by Fiona Shaw) and we're still waiting for the answer.

Season 2, Episode 2: “I'm very horny and your little scarf isn't helping,” Fleabag also tells her therapist. A second excellent one-liner from their hilarious existential exchange about tennis, guinea pigs, and God.

Season 2, Episode 3: “Women are born with pain built in,” business mogul Belinda (played by Kristin Scott Thomas) tells Fleabag as they sit together at a hotel bar, before letting loose with an epic speech about the freeing power of the menopause and the sheer fizzing energy of a room filled with new people to flirt with. “Except, most people are sh*t,” Fleabag says. “Look at me, listen,” Belinda says intently. “People are all we’ve got. People are all we’ve got. So grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.”

Season 2, Episode 4: It goes without saying, Fleabag’s confession booth scene is one of the show’s steamiest and most iconic moments. Not to mention the genius conspiracy theory that when the Hot Priest asks her to “kneel,” he’s actually just revealing his real name, Neil, after she calls him father. Equally brilliant though, is the first scene where the pair finally acknowledge the mess they’re in directly. “F**k you calling me father like it doesn't turn you on just to say it,” Scott’s sexy man of the cloth tells Fleabag.

Season 2, Episode 4: “Sometimes I worry I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits,” Fleabag confesses to the Hot Priest and the rest of the congregation at a Quaker meeting.

Season 2, Episode 5: “Hair is everything, we wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your f**king bills. Hair is everything,” Fleabag says as Claire sits miserably on a bench sporting her new pencil chop.

Season 2, Episode 6: As Fleabag tells us back in the opening moments of the the second season, this is a love story, but perhaps not in the way you might initially expect. Forget about your sexy priests and arsehole guys; the main person who stays and fights Fleabag’s corner and stands by her when it really matters is her sister Claire. Despite their sometimes rocky relationship. “The only person I'd run through an airport for is you," Claire declares, in one of the show’s most emosh moments. Not crying, just my hayfever...

Season 2, Episode 6: It’s quite hard to find something original to say about love, but Fleabag’s resident sexy priest nailed it when he “had a go” at summarising it in the show’s finale. “Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening,” he says. “Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there!” Blimey.

Season 2, Episode 6: In the touching final scene of Fleabag, she finally tells the Hot Priest, “I love you.” To which he replies, “It’ll pass.” Queue hearts breaking across the globe.