Cheese is a lifestyle. Cheese is a bit like that K-Ci & JoJo prom anthem "All My Life." Seriously, try subbing "girl" with "cheese" here and tell me it isn't 100 percent valid: "Girl you are close to me you're like my mother/ Close to me you're like my father/ Close to me you're like my sister/ Close to me you're like my brother/ You are the only one my everything and for you this song I sing." See what I mean? Unfortunately there's some scenarios cheese lovers find horrifying. Like someone who does not understand that metaphor. HORRIFYING.
Not everyone likes cheese. I understand that — in the same way I understand some people decide to rob themselves of true happiness. It happens and I respect that but I do not like it. And I don't expect non-cheese lovers to understand me or my tribe, either. Some situations exist that non-cheese lovers encounter and react in a totally nonplussed way. They think it's NBD, but us cheese lovers know how to better spot a cheese emergency. It's equal parts blessing and curse. I'll try to explain so all y'all non-cheese lovers can start to empathize with your cheese loving friends (there are a lot of us). Some scenarios likely to induce horror on cheese lovers include:
When your dinner date prefers splitting salsa over queso
Quick PSA, it's really a polite practice to warn dining companions pre-meeting about your creepy cheese aversion — especially if you're meeting at a Mexican place. It could be a game-changer.
Anyone requesting "just light cheese"
...How does that work? Is this person OK? Are they trying to save money? It doesn't cost that much less...
Going to a wine tasting and there's zero cheese in sight
Excuse me, but this wine tasting is factually bad. I'll show myself out now, thanks. *grabs three bottles of Malbec for home cheese stash*
Vegan cheese
No shade at vegans. Y'all should live your truth! But truthfully, that just plain ain't cheese.
Cheese-free pizza
Insulting, basically.
Biting into a cheeseburger to learn it's just a regular burger
Not OK.
Cheese plates that are more other things than cheese
Fruit? Nuts? Tiny discs of old bread? I'm sorry, I ordered the cheese plate, not the "here's some sh*t we found under the fridge" plate.
The idea of falling in love with a lactose-intolerant person
When carefully meditated and actualized, this thought is borderline paralyzing. It can happen! It does happen! Will it happen to you? Maybe!
"American cheese"
IT IS NOT CHEESE, GUYS.
How giving boxes of chocolates is a thing but boxes of cheese is not
Dating is garbage.
Images: NBC; Giphy(10)
