Going strapless is always a gamble, so there are certain annoyances that women who wear bandeau tops will definitely understand. We're an adventurous bunch; we throw caution to the wind and pray gravity will be kind to us that day instead of turning the grocery store or subway station we're at into an impromptu burlesque show. I mean, if it happens we'll be ready for it (cue jazz hands), be it through the use of friendly pasties or the personality to just laugh it off; but it'd be better all around if we skipped that matinee show production. So why do women who go strapless wiggle their way into a dishtowel-sized top and deal with hours of fidgets and stress over potential nip slips?
Because fashion, that's why. That's like asking why we strap on four-inch stilts pretending to be stilettos when we know three hours in we'll be reciting the Gettysburg Address backwards in our heads just to take our minds off the pain. It's something that comes with the territory of loving fashion — you do what you gotta do. And that applies to bandeau tops. We have to tolerate hours of readjustment, tape reapplying, scandalized looks from little old ladies with purple tinted hair... but it all becomes worth it when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a building window and think — with a smug grin — "Damn, my outfit is on point today." Below are seven annoyances women who wear bandeau tops will certainly understand, and that we're more than happy to power through for the sake of sartorial fun.
1. The Constant Readjustments
You lean down to pick up your bag and — oops, yup, of course — your top nearly flashes the whole brunch staff. Not even phased by it, you wiggle it back up before your nips have a chance to say their hello. Then as you're walking your top tries to shimmy its way down to your rib cage, but you scoot it back up like a patient mother dealing with a kid hellbent on being mischievous that day. The only time you don't care about stopping its decent is when you're out on a Saturday night dancing. At that point you're wearing your bandeau top like a belt underneath your jumpsuit, and you're way passed caring. The gin and tonic in your hand and R. Kelly on the sound system have convinced you to go with the flow.
2. The Face Palms Pointed Towards Boob Tape
Sometimes you don't want to sit there pinching your top back up — fidgeting breaks the whole illusion of cool, I-practically-help-write-Vogue girl, and so you succumbed to spending a good $8 on boob tape. Boob tape that seems to work only for 30 minutes before giving up on life. And so you keep adding more and more to your top until you look down and realize you have about half a roll underneath your shirt. Perfection. Next time you might as well just use normal Scotch tape. Useless.
3. The Deodorant Smears
Every. Single. Time. You know you should put on that deo after you shimmy the top on over your head. You know it'll leave an unholy smear that somehow reaches around the whole circumference of the top if you don't, and yet...
Every time. Now go spend 10 minutes trying to wash it off in your bathroom, vigorously rubbing your side boob.
4. The Scandalized Looks
Some people haven't heard the news that this is actually a top now. If you get the version that covers a bit of your ribs, it's completely free game to pair it with skirts or high waist shorts or have it peek out from underneath overalls or side-cut dresses. The summer styling possibilities are endless! But to some, it still just looks like a bra, which means right now you're flying around town in nothing but your knickers.
One time a little old lady with cotton candy colored hair literally clutched at her purse as she was staring at me on the train. I wasn't sure if she was gearing up to whack me with it for my harlot ways, but it comes with the territory. Sometimes people just don't understand those ahead of their time (smug sniff).
5. The Issue With Stretching
I'm not sure what sort of material these bandeaus are made out of, but after about three wash cycles they turn into limp dishrags and stretch out to about two times their size. It's like microwaving a marshmallow; it's ridiculous. So instead of having a bra, you now have a girdle. Fantastic.
6. Assuring People That You Are, In Fact, Covered Up
Every time I go out with my guy friends, their eyes always wander down to my chest before blushing red and asking why I came out with no shirt.
"It is a shirt."
"No, it's a bra. And I see it. "
"Nope, it's a shirt. Control yourself you animal, everything is covered up."
And so the conversation goes, back and forth, back and forth, until they offer to cover you up with their button down because they can't handle seeing "their little sister's boobs" any longer. Men.
7. The Smugness Factor
You have learned that you're the type of person that — if you like something — will go all in. A few curious glances your direction won't deter you, wardrobe malfunctions only build your patience, and you refuse to change just because someone else doesn't get it. You've got a strong character there, sister friend, and that deserves those feelings of smugness you have every time you head outside with your fashion. You keep doing you.
Images: Fotolia; Courtesy Instagram Users
