What If Lana Del Rey Lyrics Were Slightly Happier?

Most pop music these days is usually about empowerment, big booty, or love. Beyoncé's flawless, Britney's just trying to "work," and Madonna's attempting to stage a cultural revolution (or at least get #rebelheart to trend on Twitter). Lana Del Rey, on the other hand, sings a lot about what seems like her overwhelming inability to feel joy or human connection. It makes you wonder what Lana Del Rey lyrics would be like if, instead of penning complicated lyrics about her melancholy, she tried to be like all the other pop stars.

Don't get me wrong: I love Lana Del Rey. Every now and then, though — usually around the 9th time I listen to "Pretty When You Cry" — I just want to look at her and ask, "Yo, why are you so sad, Lana Del Rey?" Or, "Can I give you a hug or buy you some stickers? Maybe you just need a glass of water?" (Valid question: I mean, I thought I had that Summertime Sadness once, but it turned out I was just dehydrated).

Obviously, I don't actually want Del Rey to change a thing in the long run: keep marching in your parade and raining on it, too, girl! However, if she ever does have the desire to incorporate a little more positivity into her brand, then I think I have some lyric changes that will do just the trick if she wants to go on some sort of "Wintertime Happiness" greatest hits tour.

"Drive"

Oh, Lana. When will she just learn to like herself?

Original lyrics: "I'm tired of feeling like I'm f**king crazy / I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes."

Adapted Lyrics: "I'm crazy and you'll just have to f**king deal with it / I'm driving to the beach, do you want a coffee?"

"Old Money"

Oh dear... Have you tried Tinder, Lana Del Rey? Seriously, you can actually meet someone nice.

Original Lyrics: "Yet still inside I felt alone / For reasons unknown to me."

Adapted Lyrics: "Yet still inside I felt super secure and self-possessed / Because I have really high self-esteem."

"Sad Girl"

You don't know me! Stop isolating yourself in a glass cage of emotion!

Original Lyrics: "Being a mistress on the side / Might not appeal to fools like you."

Adapted Lyrics: "Being a mistress on the side / Might appeal to some more than others, I try not to judge."

"Honeymoon"

Have you ever dated someone who couldn't hear a compliment without saying something critical about themselves in response? "You're beautiful." "Yeah, but I've got these stupid dimples..." Based off these lyrics, I have to wonder if there's a chance that Del Rey is the "Yeah, but..." person.

Original Lyrics: "We both know that it's not fashionable to love me / But you don't go 'cause truly there's nobody for you but me."

Adapted Lyrics: "We both know it's fashionable to love me / And you already know that which is why we're so in love."

"National Anthem"

OK, I totally see where you're coming from on this one, girl: great song. I have just one teensy, tiny, microscopic suggestion, though: what if — and just hear me out! — instead of the whole insightfully-introspective-lyrics-about-emotional-attachment thing that you're doing now, you replaced the "dark and lonely" part with something about being out in a club and changed the whole thing to a lively dance anthem?

Original Lyrics: "Dark and lonely / I need somebody to hold me."

Adapted Lyrics: "Dancing in da club / Shaking up my tub / Somebody's holding my booty with his heart."

Summertime Sadness

Don't most people consider summer the most carefree season of all? Maybe Del Rey went to one of those year-round schools with irregular vacation schedules, so her annual burst of childhood freedom and joy occurred in January?

Original Lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go / Summertime sadness."

Adapted Lyrics: "Kiss me once before you make pancakes / There's real maple syrup in the fridge / This is the nicest winter I've ever had."

"Sad Girl"

Do I really have to explain how this song ended up on this list twice? Let's face it: it's called "Sad Girl."

Original Lyrics: "I'm a sad girl / I'm a sad girl."

Adapted Lyrics: "I'm a relatively well-adjusted girl who likes dancing and ponies / I also like rules."

Images: Giphy (7)