Life
11 Questions Dog People Have For Cat People
For me, cat people fall into that space of humanity also occupied by long distance runners and people obsessed with green smoothies: I respect them — I even quite like some of them — but I never, ever will truly understand them. I am a dog person both by choice and necessity. Choice, because dogs are awesome, snuggly love bugs whose sole mission in life is to spread joy and happiness across the Earth. Necessity, because within five minutes of being close to a cat, my eyes swell shut and snot starts running down my face like the world’s saddest, most disgusting waterfall.
Because I am so allergic to cats, I rarely spend time in cat people’s homes. I have friends who are cat people, but their cat-filled domestic lives seem alien and mysterious; I imagine that, although they walk around in the world looking like perfectly normal humans, when they get home, they shed their humanoid costumes and revert to some truer state, more suitable to worshiping their feline masters.
There’s a lot of debate about cats vs. dogs and, by extension, cat people vs. dog people. I firmly believe that we can all get along and unite in our collective disdain of fish people (I mean, seriously?). I think that much of the tension between cat and dog people comes down to simply misunderstanding and ignorance. There are certain things that dog people genuinely do not understand about cats and their humans, and we all know that ignorance breeds fear, which breeds hostility, which, if we’re not careful, will someday cause a global rift that will bring down the fall of humanity. So in the interest of world peace, I have some important questions about cats and the humans who love them:
Why do you want a pet who … you know … doesn’t seem to like you?
OK, I know there are lots of sweet, cuddly cats out there, but I also know way too many people who have cats who are either completely aloof or actively aggressive. And, instead of saying “This creature who hates me is a terrible pet,” they say, “OMG, look at these scratches on my arm. Isn’t Sir Fluffington hilarious?”
Is “cat butthole coverage” really a priority for most cat people?
I mean, what the hell is this?
How do you sleep at night, knowing that a clawed, dispassionate predator who can see in the dark is roaming silently around your house?
At least dogs’ natural doofiness makes sneak attacks virtually impossible.
How is a litter box actually clean?
Cats are much easier to housetrain than dogs, I’ll give you that, but how is having a litter box in one’s home hygienic? People complain about having to pick up dogs’ poop outside, but don’t you have to scoop feces and urine out of the litter box? I don’t get the advantage.
What is it about laser pointers?
A lot of cat lovers like to argue that cats are more dignified than dogs, and, sure, some cats can be very regal. But then you point a laser at a feline and ... this ...happens. Not so dignified any more, huh?
If Macavity’s not there, then where the hell is he?
I’m asking.
When the alien overlords come, will your laser cats protect us dog lovers?
Because I can tell you right now that dogs will be useless.
If cats were intended to be human companions, why is approximately everyone allergic to them?
OK, not everyone, but a lot of people. According to the American College of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology, people are allergic to cats at double the rate they are allergic to dogs. Apparently, most people with cat allergies are allergic to a protein called Fel d 1, a molecule that is just the right size and shape to hang in the air for hours, waiting to attack passersby. So congrats, kitty! You have an innate ability to turn my life into a living hell with one good swipe of your body against my leg. Lucky you.
How the hell does Maru get in that box?
I can see it happening, and I still don’t get the physics of it. Are his bones made of JELL-O?
How do you handle the constant rejection?
That’s way harsh, kitty.
Seriously, though, one of my favorite things about my dog is that every time I come home it is the very best moment of her life. Maybe I’m shallow (OK, definitely), but that kind of response is validating. If I tried to pet her, and she said, “Excuse me, I would like to have some alone time. I have important matters to ponder without you, this would be me:
Cats: Just, why?
I mean, I get, on an intellectual level, why people like cats. They are fluffy and cute and small and easier to housetrain than dogs. But I don’t get it, deep down in my soul. I imagine some people feel the same way about dogs, and though my gut instinct is to ask, “What are you, a monster??”, I can accept that the world is a big place, and there’s room for all of us. Even weirdos who don’t like dogs.
