A Letter From Lisa Vanderpump's Dog

During last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump's adorable Golden Retriever made his on-camera debut. Ken Todd surprised wife Vanderpump with the puppy, and it was the best surprise ever. What did Vanderpump name the little fur ball? "Rumpy Pumpy." Cue the needle scratch sound effect. Rumpy Pumpy?! Vanderpump said it meant "playful sex." Totally understandable inspiration for a puppy name. Wait, no. No it isn't. After she came up with the name, she decided to look up the phrase on Urban Dictionary. The phrase has as second meaning: "Anal sex." Vanderpump has truly outdone herself.

This afternoon, Giggy, the other Vanderpump pup, contacted me. He needed my help. Giggy cannot type or use a pen and paper, so he asked that I write a letter to Rumpy Pumpy on his behalf. I obliged. He told me I was free to share the letter, so here it is:

Dear Rumpy Pumpy:

I'll admit it: I wasn't happy when I overheard Ken telling Pandora that he was going to adopt yet another puppy. I have alopecia. I don't have the energy. Regardless, I'm sorry about your name. It's far worse than Giggy/Gigolo. I hope you don't think I had anything to do with it. That's not my style.

So, you've been here for a few months. You're not terrible. You're actually pretty nice. No, I won't play in the backyard with you. My paws don't touch any ground outside of the house. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at: You're growing on me. And I think it's time I gave you some advice. Navigating the Vanderpump-Todd house can be tricky. There are a lot of unspoken rules. The following pointers will help you achieve success:

• If Lisa tries to put you in a costume, just go with it. The harder you fight against wearing a bedazzled sweater, the more determined she will become. She will not give up until you are wearing whatever ridiculous outfit she picked out for you. And the brattier you are, the more obnoxious your outfits will be.

• Don't eat anything sparkly. I know it's tempting. Sparkly stuff looks delicious. But trust me: You don't want to ingest it. Occasionally, one of Lisa's diamond earrings will wind up on the shiny floor. It'll catch your eye. You'll think, Come on. It couldn't hurt to try. And before you know it,everyone is inspecting all of your turds/you end up at the vet's office/Lisa and Ken scold you for hours. Not worth it.

• I doubt Lisa will let you hang out on the furniture. Sorry. Don't jump up on any of the armchairs unless you've been given the go-ahead. You have to earn Giggy Privileges. Giggy Privileges include (but are not limited to): Sitting on the couch, getting carried everywhere, visiting Lisa's various restaurants, making television appearances, and so on. You might prove yourself Giggy Privelleges-worthy one day, but be patient. Patience got me where I am today.

I promise that I'm not trying to sabotage you. If I didn't like you, you'd be gone already. I have some serious connections. If you don't want to listen to me, that's on you. But with a name like Rumpy Pumpy, I think you can use all of the help you can get.

Warm Regards,

Giggy Vanderpump

As if Giggy's letter wasn't sweet enough, here's the video of Vanderpump meeting Rumpy Pumpy. Warning: IT'S REALLY CUTE.