It doesn't matter if I live another 100 years, I don't think I'll ever find a character I love as much as Claudia Jean "C.J." Cregg on The West Wing . She stole my heart a long time ago, and I don't think I'll be getting it back anytime soon. She was played by our collective role model as a society, Allison Janney, of course, and whether she was deftly shutting down reporters as Press Secretary or exchanging witty repartee with the President of the United States as his Chief of Staff, one thing she was definitely doing was setting the bar (impossibly) high in my life for any future romantic relationships. Thanks a lot.
Her job was her life, and she did it effectively and competently while juggling enough tasks to make a normal person's head spin, all the while maintaining an effortless calm and a razor-sharp wit. In short, she's everything I want to be in life and more, and I miss her every day that she isn't on my television screen (related: thank goodness for episodes on Netflix). C.J. Cregg is an American hero with some of the best lines of dialogue of all time, and, if you crave her presence in your life as much as I do, see if you can fill in the blanks in some of her best quotes, below. And, once you're done, if you still don't recognize that this woman is a jewel in our pop culture crown, then I'll happily concede that you and I can never be friends.
1. C.J. Cregg: "What's your secret service code name?"Sam Seaborn: "They just changed it."C.J. Cregg: "I know. What's yours?"Sam Seaborn: "Princeton."C.J. Cregg: "Mine's ______."
A. "Emu"B. "Ostrich"C. "Giraffe"D. "Flamingo"
2. "They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a ______ and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten."
A. "pat on the back"B. "Presidential pardon"C. "tour of the White House"D. "write up in the Times"
3. "Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their ______..."
A. "indiscriminate seed"B. "multifarious semen"C. "aimless sperm"D. "haphazard fish weiners"
4. Kathy: "Why is no one available to speak on the phone?"C.J. Cregg: "I don't know, they're all planning my ______."
A. "surprise party"B. "funeral"C. "sweet sixteen"D. "retirement"
5. "Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row ______."
A. "old-fashioned sonofab**ch"B. "Ivy bastard"C. "Yankee jackass"D. "American prick"
6. "Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by ______: zero."
A. "sharknados"B. "a wolf attack"C. "Jewish guilt"D. "a rogue rampaging elephant"
7. "First of all: you're wrong. Second of all: shut up. Third: I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right. And fourth: ______."
A. "bite me"B. "get out of my office"C. "shut up again"D. "call your mother"
8. C.J. Cregg: "There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker."Josh Lyman: "What's it about?"C.J. Cregg: "Smallpox."Josh Lyman: "The disease?"C.J. Cregg: "No, the ______ Josh. Yes, the disease."
A. "traditional Irish step-dance"B. "mid-size sedan"C. "opera singer"D. "dessert topping"
9. "You know if I was living in Qumar I wouldn't be allowed to say '______, Toby'. But since I'm not, ______, Toby."
A. "shove it up your ass"B. "go jump in a lake"C. "eat a bag of dicks"D. "go screw yourself"
10. "The President finds you all annoying, but not ______."
A. "outright disabling"B. "prohibitively debilitating" C. "entirely nauseating"D. "utterly enfeebling"
11. "No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby... I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you're very... you're a very ______, Toby."
A. "charming partygoer"B. "valuable person"C. "strong negotiator"D. "pretty girl"
12. "The theme of this year's event is, 'learning is ______' — as, by the way, am I."
A. "engaging and vivacious"B. "delightful and delicious"C. "magical and wondrous"D. "enticing and fantabulous"
13. "I'm the Press Secretary ______. I don't have that kind of time."
A. "sonny Jim"B. "babygirl"C. "boo boo"D. "pookie bear"
14. "Listen, I know better than to stick my ______ in your personal life except, you know, for sport."
A. "face"B. "nose"C. "fingers"D. "flip phone"
ANSWER KEY:
1. (D)C.J. Cregg: "What's your secret service code name?"Sam Seaborn: "They just changed it."C.J. Cregg: "I know. What's yours?"Sam Seaborn: "Princeton."C.J. Cregg: "Mine's 'Flamingo'."
2. (B)"They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten."
3. (A)"Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their indiscriminate seed..."
4. (A)Kathy: "Why is no one available to speak on the phone?"C.J. Cregg: "I don't know, they're all planning my surprise party."
5. (C)"Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass."
6. (B)"Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero."
7. (C)"First of all: you're wrong. Second of all: shut up. Third: I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right. And fourth: shut up again."
8. (D)C.J. Cregg: There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker. Josh Lyman: What's it about? C.J. Cregg: Smallpox. Josh Lyman: The disease? C.J. Cregg: No, the dessert topping Josh. Yes, the disease.
9. (A)"You know if I was living in Qumar I wouldn't be allowed to say 'shove it up your ass, Toby.' But since I'm not, shove it up your ass, Toby."
10. (B)The President finds you all annoying, but not prohibitively debilitating.
11. (D)No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby... I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you're very... you're a very pretty girl, Toby.
13. (B)"The theme of this year's event is, "learning is delightful and delicious" — as, by the way, am I."
14. (C)"I'm the Press Secretary Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time."
15. (A)"Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life except, you know, for sport."
Images: Warner Bros. Television; Giphy (15)
