Are you a great lay? That's a question many people ask themselves, but it's difficult to answer on one's own. It’s not as though your partner is going to come out and tell you that you suck in bed. Even a one-night stand isn’t very likely to tell you that your technique -- all of it -- needs some work. Because of this, trying to figure out whether you're good in bed can be tricky. Sometimes, all you can do is hope that you’re at least better than average. Because that’s something, right?
But the fact is that there are people out there who are fantastic in bed. These are the people who spoil those of us who have been fortunate enough to have sex for with them for years (sometimes decades). Being good in bed is an art, and it’s one that takes time, practice, and a whole boatload of other things -- most importantly, communication. I like to believe that anyone can be a great lay. They just have to work at it diligently, and genuinely want it.
Since it’s a rarity that someone will come out and tell you that you’re a hot mess in bed and need a lot of work, you have to deduce on your own how good you are (or aren’t). So here’s your list. If you see yourself in at least 10 of these, then you’re a great lay. Congratulations!
(And before you read on, be sure to check out Bustle's new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the dirtiest parts of dating, and find more on our SoundCloud page.)
1. You're Confident
When it comes to sex, confidence always wins. If you don’t doubt yourself and go into it with the attitude that you are the best, then you will be the best. It’s all about believing in your ability, and not second-guessing, for even a minute, just how sexy you are.
2. You Don’t Have Any Hangups
Along with the fun parts, sex can be a little gross, and it’s supposed to be. There are smells and noises and occasionally an accident that is likely to make either you or your partner freak out a bit. Although studies have found that women are less likely to be disgusted when aroused, letting go of some of your hangups, even before you hit that point, will allow you and your partner to have a better time. Things happen -- and yes, farting is one of them.
3. You Communicate
A 2011 study found that those who communicate about sex, both in and out of the bedroom, have better sex than those who don’t talk about it at all. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get into some heavy-duty dirty talk, but it does mean that being open with feedback, direction, and suggestions can only lead to good things.
4. You’re Willing To Try New Things
Fact: No sex life can sustain itself on three positions and one sex toy. What makes you so great in bed is the fact that you’re willing to try new things, no matter how silly they might seem, and that your sex toy repertoire extends far beyond a vibrator. In fact, you just bought a ball gag for your partner’s birthday. Go you!
5. You’re Vocal As Hell
Although putting on some screaming and moaning show that everyone can hear sometimes seems like you’re overdoing it, or even faking it, a 2013 study found that moaning benefits both parties. Women especially respond extremely well to their partner’s noises of pleasure, making them even more vocal. So moan, baby, moan.
6. You Love To Give As Much As You Take
Similarly to relationships in general, sex is a give and take. If you’re giving as much as you're given, then you’ve created an equal ground for fun. You can't expect your partner to give 110 percent when you only give 80 percent, especially if you’re looking to be an awesome lay.
7. You’re Not Afraid To Have Sex With The Lights On
In a 2011 survey by sex toy company Adam & Eve, only 10 percent of those polled keep the lights on during sex. Although 48 percent switch it up when it comes to lighting choices, the fact that so few people have the lights on while getting it on will make you a killer in the sack by just simple math. You’ve asserted your confidence and aren't hiding in a shroud of darkness, and that’s sexy as hell. Also, if you sleep with men, note that they are very visual creatures.
8. You’re In The Moment
Everyone always has a hundred things to worry about. But when you’re having sex, the only thing you should be thinking about is the activity at hand: SEX. If you’re thinking about the groceries you need to buy, or the report you have due tomorrow, your partner will feel it. You need to have your body and your head in the game.
9. You Have Sex To Have Fun
A 2011 study revealed some pretty depressing news: Most women have sex out of a sense of obligation. According to a survey commissioned by Healthy Women, 66 percent of women are only having sex once or twice a week, and just to get it out of the way. A woman who’s good in bed does not have sex out of obligation (no one should!), but really embraces the fact that she has a libido that needs to be fed.
10. You Listen To Your Partner
Whether it’s your partner’s body language or what they’re telling you verbally, the key to hot sex is listening. It’s the only way to gauge if you need to speed up, slow down, or totally change your technique.
11. You Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Sex is funny! It’s definitely not something that should be taken so seriously. Besides, sex and laughter are connected, in that they both make the skin feel more sensitive and build more neuropathways in our brain. If you’re having yourself a giggle, you know you’re rocking your partner’s world ... hard.
If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, watch the sex myths you believed as a child below (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube page for more videos):
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Images: Andrew Zaeh/Bustle; Giphy(11)
