I don't have a lot of feelings about minions, or at least I didn't until recently. Most of Tumblr has already been scarred for life thanks to the "Which Minion Should You Hook Up With" quiz that launched more fan art than any actual porn ever did, but the minions are now doubling back for the last shred of your human decency with minion tampons. Yeah, you read that right. You can officially shove a minion up your vagina, because Kotex Puerto Rico figured out your deepest fantasies at LAST.
Something that has come to my attention recently are people who hate minions, and you know what? I suspect that these were secretly made for them. Hear me out: Yes, you are shoving a minion into your sacred lady organ or up your nose or whatever, but also, you are destroying that minion physically, emotionally, and psychologically—assuming that when you pull it out it will look like a minion blood bath. (Don't try to un-picture it; I've been at my desk for an hour now trying to, and you're just going to have to ride this one out.)
Anyway, if you've made it this far into the article, there's really no turning back. Here are the minion tampons in all of their glory:
But THAT'S NOT ALL, folks. The minions aren't through with scarring you for life. Here are a few other minion ~must haves~:
This minion themed sex shirt
Etsy , $14.20
Of all the things 15-year-old me ever pictured in her day job, editing out a yellow minion penis was weirdly not one of them?
This minion man thong
Etsy, $20
For keeping your dick warm in the long, cold, minion-less winter.
This minion garter
Etsy, $20.53
Your wedding night will be all "Toye napi papote..da mi la paabi so..pa poy napi!!!" all night long.
Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy; LaughGoat, karsonall, scarboroughrose/Etsy
