'Bach In Paradise' Promo Features Feat Of Strength

Do you hear that? That faint chattering sound riding the breeze like a surfer rides a wave off of the coast of Tulum? No, you are not imagining it, fellow member of Bachelor Nation. What you hear is the sound of a wise raccoon doling out life advice to an distraught human being. That can only mean one thing: the most glorious reality competition program is almost here. On August 2, Bachelor in Paradise will return. We're so close, I can almost taste the rum-infused tears! Monday, ABC was kind enough to share a new trailer for Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 with E!, and E! was kind enough to share that trailer with the Internet.

Based on the trailer and the trailer alone, I'm confident this season will be work of reality TV art. An invaluable piece of pop culture. Something that would not be out of place in the Smithsonian. Season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise will be perfect.

Here are the notes I took while watching the BiPtrailer/every reason why I'm certain it'll be a perfect season of television:

• "Almost Paradise" by Mike Reno & Ann Wilson is an A+ song choice.Seriously, any reference to Footloose is a win for me. Hey, BiP? Way to start on the right foot... loose! Kick off your Sunday shoes! (Nope, not even the least bit sorry.)
• Chris Harrison lets everyone know that “It’s just about love." I'm glad to hear it. I watch these shows for the right reason, and that reason is love.
• There are at least six different crying scenes packed into the 30-second clip. Going out on a limb here, but I think there will be a lot of crying this season. I assume all of the weeping happens because someone developed some Waterworld-esque tear recycling device and the cast is just trying to meet its daily tear quota. What if the crying is all for water conservation? Now THAT'D be something.
• We have visual confirmation: Clare is back.

• I repeat: CLARE IS BACK. Whew. Why am I so stoked about Clare's return? Because a BiP without Clare isn't BiP, THAT'S why. So much for YOPO ("You Only Paradise Once"). Clare proves it's more like YOPAMTATSBYO ("You Only Paradise As Many Times As The Show Brings You On").
• Someone drags an enormous suitcase across the sand. I can't stop rewinding and re-watching.

• Yanking that suitcase around on that terrain must be a nightmare. How is it not getting stuck? There's no way the wheels on that thing are spinning on their axles with ease. I'd definitely end up dislocating my shoulder. Whoever that is lugging luggage is is my new hero.
• I'm so excited to find out who my hero is. My hero's gotta be strong, and she's gotta be fast, and she's gotta be fresh from the fight.

• This BiP trailer has me feeling all sorts of Footloose and fancy free. Not mad at it.

Let's hear it for the promo! Oh, let's give the promo a hand!

Images: ABC (3)