Abigail Breslin, Not You Too!

The moment I read Abigail Breslin was photographed by Tyler Shields (of Mrs. Eastwood & Company fame), I took a deep breath. This is going to make me uncomfortable, I thought. I was not wrong. The young actress posed for the photos sans-blouse. You don't see any bits, but the pics are fairly suggestive. I'm not a puritan, but COME ON. Photos of a 17-year-old girl with disheveled hair, dark eyeliner, and a lollipop? That icky trope is so played out and GRODY. We get it. She's not Kit Kittredge anymore. Crimeny.

Also, I feel the need to reiterate that she's under 18. Eghhh. CRIMENY AGAIN.

However, Breslin denied that she did the photo shoot to "prove" her impending adulthood:

I don't make these conscious decisions to do it to like prove to the world that I'm grown up. I think people see my work and see what I do and see that I'm grown up. But yeah, I'm almost 18. Every headline for the past three years has been "Abigail Breslin All Grown Up," so I am kind of growing up. I do want to try different things but it's all for fun.

Breslin had to realize that this photo shoot would generate a lot of buzz/fuel the "Abigail Breslin All Grown Up" conversation, right? They might've been "all for fun," but the photos are what they are: Risqué pics of a teen celeb. She's not the first to do it. It's just another example of the gross "rite of passage" for young celebrities. Barf barf barf.

And boy howdy, am I sick of this particular rite of passage. I wish it would go away forever. "But how will famous teens publicly transition into adulthood without sexy photos?" you ask. "Don't worry," I respond, smiling. "I've got a few ideas."

How to Feel Like An Adult Without Posing For Racy Photos:

• Keep a pair of sensible shoes on your person at all times.
• Take a photo of yourself—a selfie, if you will—registering to vote.
• Buy an assortment of fiber-enriched snacks. Regular, healthy digestion is a major part of adulthood.
• Go to bed at 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday night, but insist that you could've stayed up as late as you wanted because you're an adult and you can do what you want.
• Get amped about cleaning out your cupboards. Where'd that box of macaroni and cheese come from? Who cares! What a FIND.
• Acquire a second set of linens. So grown up!
• Watch Live! With Kelly & Michael every morning with the hope that you'll one day get the Travel Trivia phone call.
• Impulsively buy a candy bar while grocery shopping. No one can stop you. You are an adult.
• Drop $200 at Target on cleaning supplies because YOLO.
• Roll your eyes at the obnoxious tweens hanging out at the local movie theater. Be thankful you are a tween no longer.
• Get really into sending out e-cards.

So, Breslin. If you get another inkling to show off your adulthood, please consult the above list. Please, and thank you.