A wise person once said, “Sex is like pizza: even when it's not the best, it's still pretty damn good.” Well, that sage of sexual comparisons must have been blessed with a life of pretty decent sex, because I hate to say it, but sex can be bad. And when it's bad, it's not Domino's Pizza, kinda gross but still passable bad, it's roll over, need a shower, and must reevaluate your life choices bad. In fact, I've had such terrible sex that I underwent a period I now refer to as “The Dark Days” which was mostly me going on a sexual hiatus, and taking up hobbies like knitting.
Yes, horrible sex actually made knitting preferable.
I probably don't need to tell your poor, unsatisfied soul when sex is bad; you have the reoccurring nightmares to prove it. But sometimes, in order to cope with the post-traumatic sex disorder that comes with some painfully awkward, and somewhat uncomfortable fooling around, we will convince ourselves that it was actually halfway decent. So what are the signs that you are having really bad sex? Your overused vibrator may be saying a lot, but I will make it more explicit here.
1. You Find Yourself Counting Down The Moments Until It Will End
You've been laying there for almost 10 minutes, and you stopped participating about halfway through. Now, you're staring at the ceiling, listening to a clock tick in the background as you count down the moments until this amateur finally stops prodding your good bits.
Nothing you do is working honey, and I really just want to watch TV.
2. It Feels Uncomfortable, Almost Painful
Maybe your significant other thinks they are a power tool and prefers to jackhammer you into your headboard. Or maybe they don't realize that they are laying all of their weight on top of you, and you're finding it hard to breath. It's not that they're causing you intentional pain; if that's the case, this is not OK at all and you should not tolerate that for a second. It's more that your partner is completely unaware of your discomfort, and the fact that you're walking funny for the next three days doesn't quite register.
3. You Don't Feel Anything At All
The alternative to number two here, maybe your partner thinks you're the world's most delicate flower, and does not want to harm the porcelain creation that is your fragile frame. If this is the case, you should probably tell them what a load of crap that actually is, and in order to produce stimulation, there needs to be some sensation. You're not going to break, and you may even like a little rough action every now and again.
4. Your Partner Is Incredibly Selfish
This is THE WORST. In my humble opinion, based on past experiences, this is grounds for not seeing that person ever again. If your partner has their big moment, rolls over, falls asleep, and makes no moves to help you finish, they should be taken to proverbial sex prison and be put on sexual probation. There is nothing more terrible than a person who will worry about theirs, and not at all about yours, especially when relationships are all about give and take. Chances are this person is pretty self-absorbed in other areas of life, and you absolutely do not need that.
5. You Find Yourself Only Thinking About Other Things
It's totally fine to not think about your partner during sex, but I'm talking when your mind veer way off course, when you're way past the point of trying to feel anything remotely pleasurable. Now, rather than trying to get anywhere near a climax, you're wondering who the hell was able to build Stonehenge when no man could have possibly moved those stones without modern technology.
...Maybe aliens have visited earth.
6. You're Able To Have A Conversation In The Act, And It Doesn't Involve Sex
This goes along with number five, but in some ways is a lot worse. Not only have you given up completely on enjoying the act, you've let your partner know you're pretty indifferent by asking him/her if you've run out of milk. Or maybe you're talking about how your new puppy pooped in your shoe this morning.
Whatever it is, it's not sexy talk and you want more of it.
7. You Start To Fall Asleep
This may sound completely ridiculous, but I assure you, it's possible. If you're not nearly turned on, and it's been a long day, the sexual equivalent of paint drying may have you snoring in the midst of the action. Sex has the ability to ignite us in a way that heightens nerves and rejuvenates energy with a release of endorphins. If you're not feeling it, this won't happen, and you may have a momentary snooze instead.
8. You're Not Comfortable With That Person
Having a sense of trust and comfort with a person is key to any relationship, especially a sexual one. When it comes down to it, your intimacy with that person is making you vulnerable, and if you do not feel you can trust that person, chances are you won't enjoy it as much. Not to mention sex can be downright awkward, and if you do not feel you can tell your partner what you like and what you don't like, there really isn't much hope of it getting better.
9. They Sprung Something Experimental On You, Without Asking
We all have our preferences, and some of our fantasies are a bit more wild than others. There is nothing wrong with letting out your kinky side, and trying something new, but when your partner whips out the handcuffs and starts calling you master without any warning or question beforehand, that may lead to a really strange experience if you weren't ready for it.
10. You Always Prefer Masturbation To Having Sex With Your Partner
No one does it better than you, and that will always be the case. But if you're masturbating more than you ever have before because the sex is leaving a lot to be desired, literally, then something is wrong. While self-love still happens in relationships (and should), and that is completely fine, it shouldn't be your only method of pleasure.
Bottom line, maybe that aforementioned sex sage should have listened to Forrest Gump when dolling out pieces of wisdom, then the quote would have sounded more like “Sex is like a box of chocolates: You never known what you're going to get.” This is a lot more accurate. While sex can be a toe-curling, transcendent experience in which you swear you saw Narnia, it can also be insanely awkward, and borderline uncomfortable. And if you're not feeling it, why waste your time? Someone out there will understand you (and your body), and they will be the one most worthy to have sex with.
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Images: Tuan Le/Flickr; Giphy (10)
