Man, ain't nobody got time for fuckboys, cats included. What is a fuckboy? If you've had the luxurious luck of never having experienced a fuckboy first hand, allow me to explain: A fuckboy is a garbage dude, aka a douchebag, aka the 2015 version of TLC's scrub. Yah feel me? Unfortunately, despite efforts to avoid them altogether, fuckboys keeps happening. We wrangled together inspiration for proper responses in encountering such a trash pal of a person via images of these cats who clearly just dealt with a fuckboy.
Man, I gotta say life is much easier when you learn how to identify and successfully dodge a fuckboy. Fuckboys are appealing in our younger years since, alas, we are still unblemished by the cruel aftermath of experience. We probably go out with many a fuckboy under rushed, unconvincing guise. Fuckboys are smooth talking, oily creatures. Trust me, I've gone out with like...nine? Nine fuckboys? That sounds about right.
One fuckboy, before revealing his true fuckboy nature, invited me over to his lavish apartment during a blizzard. I nicknamed him SodaStream since he had one and I did not yet. He was generous with his nice vodka, weed, and opinions on his latest art installation. I left my phone at his place on accident and he made me travel several neighborhoods out of the way to retrieve it from his work, instead of our shared neighborhood. I realized: This was a grade A fuckboy. Well, is it still a fuckboy if the person in question is 36? Probably.
Anyway. Acquaint yourself below with several cats fabulously responding to similar interactions with specific types of fuckboys:
The "I'll compliment your fabulous body art at the show opening, then after our one-night stand will completely ignore you at the bodega one week later" fuckboy
The "I'll conveniently forget I have read receipts turned on and pretend I missed your text because I 'oops was sleepin. Sup now,' which I'll explain the following day circa 10 p.m." fuckboy
The "I see you're fully enjoying time spent catching up on longform while waiting for a friend at the bar, but I really think you should hear and be impressed by the way I pronounce ceviche correctly even though this is a legit sushi joint" fuckboy
The "That's cool you published a thing you worked hard on and it was well-received and all, but have you noticed I'm verified on Twitter?" fuckboy
The "Yo, I get that we met on Tinder, which means we were both on there and active, but I will find some way to chastise you in particular by implying that you're desperate for that D and my D in particular" fuckboy
The "Haha! Isn't rain in the city so unpredictable? Anyway, this is my train so I'm gonna hit it before I get too wet. Surely you can Uber or something to find your own way home in this weird neighborhood after we split a few pitchers of Sangria. Don't worry, I'll text you never again, bye!" fuckboy
The "Did you learn about music from an old boyfriend or older brother? I can play some Sublime on my 'coustic. Wanna eat shrooms sometime?" fuckboy
The "That was so fateful running into you on the train literally everyone we know takes home. Oh!! And also, here's a Snapchat of my boner you never asked for" fuckboy
The "Wow! You sure seem into sports. Which team has the best jersey colors, in your opinion?" fuckboy
The "An 'up?' text at 5:45 a.m. is reasonable, I'm pretty sure" fuckboy
The "Your goals are cute. Have I mentioned my book deal? Or the fact that I can grow a beard?" fuckboy
The "But you're a cool feminist because you shave and don't hate men" fuckboy
The "Whoaaa. I would have never guessed you were that old!" fuckboy
The "I'd rather halt all future dates via a lengthy text sent shortly after we part than go on the actual date" fuckboy
The "You're down to go halfsies on the check, right? Even though it was my idea to hit up this fancy joint and order a bunch of sirloin tacos regardless of your vegetarianism, it seems only fair. You're a modern woman" fuckboy
The "Ugh, just promise me you'll never expect me to go to one of your basic friends' weddings because as you know, I'm against that institution. But cigarettes and the tobacco industry are chill" fuckboy
The "Bummer you're on your period, but we can still do...stuff. Stuff I will never reciprocate when you're done bleeding, but why bother discussing that now and ruin the mood?" fuckboy
The "Why does guac cost extra? There's no way I'm paying for that" fuckboy
Read: The fuckingest fuckboy of them all.
Images: Getty Images
