What If Veronica Mars Was Actually A Kane?

One of the most horrifying subplots in the first season of Veronica Mars comes from a twisted revelation given to the titular character, and the audience, from Abel Koontz: "Are you the product of a schlubby sheriff, or the King and Queen of the prom?" That is, Veronica's mom allegedly kept her relationship with high school lover Jake Kane going past graduation, so could Veronica be the product of that union? And, to make matters worse, could she be the half-sister of her ex-boyfriend Duncan? Thankfully, a paternity test confirmed it was Team Schlubby Sheriff all the way, but I fear a world where it could've turned out differently.

What would things be like if Jake Kane ended up being Veronica's biological father? Well, aside from audience members catching a collective case of the ewwwws, I'm assuming that things would get extra complicated in Neptune really fast. And it definitely would've sent Veronica and friends on several totally different Season 2 arcs than what we saw on the show. Some arcs that would maybe be for her benefit, but most that would probably not, because the life of your average Kane child kind of sucks, am I right, Duncan and Lilly?

Here's just a few examples of the direction the show could've gone in if Veronica ended up being a Kane instead of dating one.

1. It Would've Revived LoVe A Lot Quicker

As I said, the wooooorst part of this whole ordeal is that Veronica and Duncan would be related, so I'm going to go on a limb and say that they wouldn't have revived their relationship. The plus side there is that Veronica and Logan would've gotten back together a lot quicker, instead of us waiting around till the end of the second season for some serious LoVe sparkage.

2. It Would've Made Veronica & Mac Closer

Mac has her own parental misplacement issues, what with her being the ACTUAL Madison Sinclair and all. Such an event would probably give them something fresh to talk about at sleepovers.

3. Oh, And Veronica Would Need Oodles Of Therapy

Twist: her therapist ends up a murderer, or at least a sketchy figure with a dark past.

4. Veronica Wouldn't Have Needed The Kane Scholarship To Pay For Stanford

Jake and Celeste, wanting to bury this secret forever, would pretty much act as their own Kane scholarship and offer to pay her way through school as bribe money. Whether Veronica would accept said money is another story entirely.

5. Veronica Would Hunt Lianne Down With a Basket Full Of Questions

Starting with, "HOW COULD YOU LET ME DATE MY HALF BROTHER?"

6. Maybe Duncan Would've Stayed With Meg

Maybe Meg wouldn't have ended up comatose and pregnant. Or maybe Meg would've ended up pregnant but not comatose. Still, there's a lot of big "ifs" when it comes to the case of Meg and Duncan, mostly because the butterfly effect could've altered the unfortunate bus tragedy... and everything else.

7. But No Matter What, Veronica & Keith Would Have Stayed Close

Veronica made it clear that biology didn't matter to her: Keith was her daddy no matter what. All together now: AWWWWWW!

Images: Warner Bros. Television; Giphy (7)