The dreaded dry spell: it's been a few months since you've seen someone naked and now the frustration is starting to build. Even the most mundane activities are triggering sexual thoughts, and you feel like a woman possessed: brush your teeth, sex, paying your bills, sex, taking a shower, shower sex, making a sandwich with two different types of meat, threesome ?
Your vagina have become the scene from an old Western, tumbleweeds twirling about a deserted town, but there are absolutely no cowboys about to face off in a shootout. You've started having dreams about sex, and now you can't look the UPS guy in the eye because in your head, he likes it dirty. You feel like the rest of the world can sense it; you're wound so tightly that your coworkers have started suggesting meditation classes for you. Your girlfriends definitely know; they don't even have to ask, and now the topic of conversation every time you guys go to the Cheesecake Factory is whether or not you got laid.
But what exactly are the stages of a dry spell, other than torture amassed with more torture? Well, according to my extensive knowledge on the subject, there are eight.
1. Denial
So what if it's been a few..weeks...er...months? You can come back from this! You're not in a dry spell, you're too hot, and not the dry kind of heat either. You're just being picky, so give it some time and before you know it, you'll have them lining up at your door.
2. Hopefulness
Yes, maybe things are getting a little dry and crispy, but you're not in a full-blown drought yet. Maybe Jason from IT will finally call, and it'll so be on. The way he looked at you when your eyes both met at the water cooler, those were f*ck me eyes. He'll call, right? He'll totally call...
3. Going Back To The Gym, But Not To Exercise
It's been over three months since you've been to the gym, but suddenly you have the urge to get back on the elliptical! OK, who are you kidding? You know the gym is the only place you will see hot, sweaty, grunting people any time soon. And the way that trainer bench presses those weights...oh you could so see them bench pressing you. Even though you're not really sure how you would turn that into a sex position, you are so willing to try.
4. Having Fictional Affairs With People That Don't Exist
Your friends are still on your back about whether or not you've come out of your rut, so you decide to pretend you have. Who is the new guy? Well, in your head each night it's the hunky lumberjack-turned-baker on the “I Can't Believe It's Not Butter” commercials, so suddenly he becomes your muse.
When they ask who the man of mystery is, you pull together a story, saying, “Yeah, he's this really burly, bearded man who spends most of his time making artisanal muffins. He's got this thing about using butter-substitute products, but that's what I like about him. No, he lives in Williamsburg, you guys wouldn't know him...”
5. Standing Way Too Close To People At Inopportune Moments
Maybe it's on the subway, or maybe it's in a crowded bar, but for whatever reason you've been standing really close to people lately, particularly brawny men with nice-smelling cologne. As they brush past you, that brief moment feels like pure ecstasy holding you over for just a little bit longer. They don't have to know that little touch triggered a slew of dirty thoughts in your head, nor does the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter man need to know you momentarily cheated.
6. Considering Hooking Up With Someone You Really, Really Shouldn't
You're getting to that level of desperation where bearded fantasies and small touches in passing aren't cutting it anymore, and now you're going to do something brash. Suddenly that guy on Tinder who makes car spoilers in his parents' garage seems like a viable option. Or maybe you'll accept the advances of that random guy at the club showing way too much chest hair, and telling you he's in the 'massage business'. Or worst of all, maybe you're considering calling your ex for just one more go between the sheets.
Listen to me. Don't do it. It'll all be over soon, so stay strong.
7. You're Going To Explode
You've noticed that dogs have been sniffing around you lately, like you're a female in heat. It pisses you off initially, but sadly, you know they're right. Conversations with boil down to unintelligible syllables, followed by the word “sex” muttered under your breath, but luckily no one hears you. You've become one big ball of sexual energy and you're two seconds away from knocking all of the things off the desk next to you, and going at with a coworker front of everyone. They're not even your type.
8. Relief
Luckily, all dry spells come to an end. So Jason from IT finally did call, and you weren't mistaken about the signals he was sending you. Fortunately for you, the man was a sex tycoon, and you finally feel like you're walking on sunshine. Good for you, now you can go back to making appropriate eye contact with the UPS guy. Your only worry: when the hell will Jason call, so we can do it all over again?
Images: Giphy (8); Esra Erben/Flickr.
