Fortune cookies are those delicious and (allegedly) prophetic snacks that always come with Chinese food. Even though the "fortune" inside is often utter nonsense, there is something uniquely satisfying about cracking one of those babies open, popping the delicious cookie with a hint of vanilla in your mouth, and reading the message printed on the crisp slip of white paper. Sometimes, things go awry and you find yourself munching on half of your fortune (I know I'm not the only one this has happened to), but, usually, you get a nice proverb about the weather or a vague piece of life advice. It's kind of like listening to a Lana Del Rey song.
The words she is singing are nonsensical if you focus too hard on them, but, if you just go with it, they can seem weirdly life-affirming. In fact, if Del Rey ever decides to retire from music, she definitely has a promising career in fortune cookie message writing ahead of her. After scouring the lyrics of some of Del Rey's best songs, I found 11 lines that would be right at home nestled inside the warm embrace of a fortune cookie. Without further adieu, here is your daily dose of calorie-free wisdom, courtesy of Del Rey.
1. Precious and warm, a memory through the years. ("Blue Velvet")
Ahh, there is nothing like the non-fortune fortune. Rather than give you any insight about the future, this little nugget of wisdom is all about appreciating the past. As an added bonus, it reads like a badly translated proverb, which is the true mark of a fortune cookie message.
2. It's true that visions are seldom all they seem. ("Once Upon a Dream")
You know how sometimes you order Chinese food at a particularly vulnerable moment in your life, and you get a fortune that makes you question every decision you have ever made? This is that fortune.
3. Whether you fail or fly, well sh** at least you tried. ("Blue Jeans")
This is the dream message. If I found this inside my cookie, I would give the fortune writer a standing ovation.
4. Whistle all you want. ("Lolita")
What does this mean? The indecipherable fortune cookie message strikes again. Is it literal? Does it mean I should be more assertive? Was the fortune cookie writer drunk? Tell me your secrets, oh wise Del Rey.
5. It takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it, to know what true freedom is. ("Ride")
Del Rey just went super insightful. If I got this fortune, I would nod and assume it was written by an old soul. Then, I would put in my wallet, because, when someone drops serious knowledge on me, I like to keep it around for pondering purposes.
6. Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? ("Ride")
50 Shades of Grey has effected every realm of self expression, including fortune cookies.
7. The road is long, we carry on. ("Born to Die")
Now see, this seems insightful, but it is really just gobbledygook that sounds cool after eating five egg rolls.
8. Life is sweet like vanilla is. ("Without You")
The quintessential fortune cookie message is a comforting assertion that everything is going to be OK, kind of like this Del Rey lyric that is the musical equivalent of a hug.
9. Every now and then the stars align. ("Lucky Ones")
If you were in a relationship when you read this fortune, you would engage in PDA with your significant other, and, if you were single, you would leave your hot waiter a big tip.
10. Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. ("Ride")
So demanding and inspiring at the same time. Good work, Del Rey!
11. Go play a video game. ("Video Games")
Because sometimes fortune cookies and Del Rey just get you on a deep, emotional, and totally superficial level.
Images: Giphy (11)
