Remember 'The Baby-Sitters Club' Movie?

There was a time dark time, probably while in the hideous throws of puberty, when I fell in love with The Baby-Sitters Club series. I loaded my bookcase with whatever I could find from thrift stores and used book shops, at one point accumulating over 50 tales, including mysteries, super specials, even even one of those jump-the-shark SUPER mysteries. But the extension of my Baby-Sitters Club obsession really got sad with how often I watched the 1995 movie... and it's even MORE embarrassing now that I've given it a modern evaluation for this week's bad movie rewatch.

In case you forgot, the BSC is operated by Kristy Thomas, shy-and-crying Mary Anne Spier, perpetually artistic Claudia Kishi, sophisticated New Yorker Stacey McGill, California granola queen Dawn Schafer, ballet-is-life Jessi Ramsey, and of course, poor Mallory Pike. The film comes to life with a basic A plot that probably appeared in the books seven or eight time: the BSCers open a summer camp. But mad dramz undermine this otherwise SUPER FUN summer plans: Kristy's absentee father comes back into the picture.

And other things happen, too.

Basically, here's a chronological documentation of the most ridiculous moments from the Baby-Sitters Club movie... which STILL isn't bad as the TV series, somehow.

1. This is TOTALLY not what the notebook would look like.

We've all seen Mary Anne's handwriting, this is what would happen if she got sick and left Claud in charge.

2. "Claudia's an amazing artist. She's REALLY talented."

Kristy says as Claudia poses next to some modern art disaster.

3. Mallory's outfit.

Instantaneously, she becomes the saddest character in this movie.

4. This can't be Jessi.

Every outfit description of Jessi ever has her in a leotard. Is this a leotard? NO.

5. "We have a tragedy here! I flunked science and I have to go to summer school."

CLASSIC CLAUDIA, bringing home those F's. Also, this is like, the worst line delivery ever.

6. No comment.

7. Baby Rachel Leigh Cook and Larisa Oleynik are already dreaming of the extensive career they'll have after this movie.

Cook will go on to She's All That, and Oleynik will be blessed with 10 Things I Hate About You.

8. This guy.

Rosie Wilder's "little" cousin Luca and his stupid accent. More on that later.

9. Kristy whines and bitches about how her mom should give her phone.

This conversation would never take place today, because most kids receive their first cellular device in utero.

10. "I mean, it's not like New York City or anything. That's where I grew up. Have you ever been there? It's the best!"

"You mean, like you?"

Ugh, no.

11. "I'm only 13! He's 17!"

DING DING DING DING, AND THERE IT IS! Baby-Sitters Club fans will note that falling for an older guy is an atypical Stacey plot, but usually they end with someone being like, "You're too young for him, bro!" Sadly, that doesn't happen here.

12. When Kristy's great idea of a fun summer is to spend all her free time not baby-sitting...by running a camp for two dozen kids. Basically, baby-sitting.

And the BSCers respond with a collective expression of "Go f**k yourself."

13. "Fifth row? Center? How'd you get them?" "I knew you'd say yes. Just think. You, me and Smashing Pumpkins!"

Dude, I'll date Cokie Mason for that.

14. Alan Gray shows up, looking like the most whimsical of your hipster friends.

His affections have been scattered on basically every BSC member in the books, but in this particular flick the spotlight's on Dawn.

15. Kristy's dad is a weirdly-charismatic low-life scumbag.

True to the source material.

16. Mr. Thomas can't face Kristy's mom because he's worried she'll think he's a loser.

Maybe because he's unemployed and LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

17. The BSC can buy this unused greenhouse-ish thing as long as they spend the last vestiges of their free time cleaning it up.

Wow-ee, it's turning into a bang-up vacation!

18. This is how I hang out with all my friends.

19. When the camp composes a rap about the central nervous system so Claudia can pass science.

What.

20. "I don't know what to do. If I tell the truth I'll betray my dad, and if I don't, I'm lying to my mom and all my friends."

"Well, you've already done that."

21. Kristy delivers a whole spiel about how her father is putting her in a terrible position and he's never there for her and like, he sucks and stuff.

It's supposed to ignite our sympathies for her, but sadly Kristy has the kind of face I want to punch and I therefore feel nothing.

22. Child labor.

23. "I got a B minus!"

Wow, Claudia, let's just put it on the refrigerator where everyone can see it.

24. Luca takes Stacey and Claudia out to New York with a few friends, which makes none percent sense.

Partially because he's never been to the United States and/or New York, and partially because Stacey and Claudia are youths.

25. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE 13."

What is this movie.

26. "I'll be coming back next summer." "I'll be 14!"

NO THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY OF THIS OK.

27. "Make a wish!" "Friends forever!"

... not really a wish, Kristy. Maybe try for a less-terrible father?

28. This is how you baseball.

29. "We've spent some of the best years of our lives in the place."

What? Dawn, you moved here, like, last year, let's not mess with canon and pretend you guys spent decades in Claudia's room.

Not when the children are barely out of second grade.

Images: Columbia Pictures (38), Giphy (1)