A Birthday Horoscope For 2 Celebrities

If you were born on Nov. 12, does that mean you're guaranteed obscenely great hair? Because Anne Hathaway and Ryan Gosling have some of the best hair in Hollywood. Happy birthday to those two hotties! The Gos turns 33 today, and Hathaway is 31. I don't know what Gosling or Hathaway have planned for the day. If either celeb is throwing a party, I wasn't invited. But I do know what's in the stars for the two mega-stars. Whoa, that sounds creepy. Let me try that again: I read their birthday horoscope!

Apparently, I can't help but be a creep, because I took "reading a celebrity's horoscope" a step further. I put myself in the shoes of RyGos and AHath and imagined how they'd react to the astrological forecast. Here's the aftermath:

(Ryan Gosling sits at his kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He Googles "birthday horoscope" on his tablet. He clicks the link to the Cafe Astrology website. On the other side of town, Anne Hathaway eats jam and toast at her computer. She scrolls through the same horoscope site. The two read their joint horoscope separately.)

"You are determined and some might say stubborn. The trick for you is to channel your determination into something constructive—into a life path that suits you well."

RYAN: What do you mean? Like building cars and shit? I thought acting suited me well. Look, you're going to have to be more clear.

ANNE: Right off the bat with this stuff, huh? I am a driven woman. Sue me.

"Your mind is strong, and you possess significant powers of attraction."

RYAN: Wait, people are attracted to me because of my mind? Not because of my looks? And all this time I thought I was being objectified. What a day!

ANNE: That'd be a nice change of pace.

"Famous people born today: Stephanie Powers, Tonya Harding, Neil Young, Grace Kelly, Ryan Gosling, Anne Hathaway."

RYAN: Oh, man. Tonya Harding.

ANNE: Tonya Harding's name comes before my name. I'm going to try to not take that personally.

"A trine between the Sun and the Moon in your Solar Return chart this year is a fortunate aspect. It suggests that your domestic and career needs are not in competition with one another in the year ahead."

RYAN: A "trine," eh?

ANNE: What is a "domestic need?" What domestic need could compete with my career? The only thing I can think of is a baby. Oh, jeez. I'm NOT PREGNANT. Knock it off!

"A comfortable level of personal popularity helps to keep conflict to a minimum."

RYAN: I wish my level of personal popularity could be "comfortable" for a day. Instead, I can't get a cup of coffee without being fawned over. Do you know what it's like to be super crush-worthy, Horoscope? Do you know what it's like to have strangers freak out when they see you doing normal things like buying toilet paper? It isn't "comfortable." I want to feel "comfortably popular" when I buy T.P., but I know it'll never happen. Ah, the price of fame.

ANNE: Does that mean people will like me? A "comfortable" level of popularity? It sounds so delightful. Oh, I long for the day the masses stop hating my guts.

"You may be recognized or rewarded in some way for the efforts you put forth. Because you project a more responsible and credible "you", people in authority tend to be more inclined to appreciate you and recognize your work."

RYAN: Sounds good.

ANNE: (Raises eyebrow) Wait. (Looks at upcoming projects) Am I going to get an award for Rio 2 ?

"You are more sensitive artistically, your imagination is stirred, and you have an increased appreciation for subtleties."

RYAN: Take it easy, Horoscope. I don't know if I can handle being any more sensitive than I already am. Do you want me to be the Hey Girl meme?! As far as "an increased appreciation for subtleties" goes: Did you see Drive? Did you see Blue Valentine? Did you see Only God Forgives ? I'm sorry about that last one. But I'm King Subtle. You don't get much more subtle than me.

ANNE: I GET IT, HOROSCOPE. You thought my performance in Les Miserables was melodramatic, didn't you? You thought it stayed at one level of intensity, didn't you? Well, shut up! That's what musicals are all about, you jerk. Live a little.

"Also, you are more able to assert yourself without rubbing people the wrong way."

RYAN: Nice.

ANNE: If one person calls me a "bitch" next year, I'm coming for you, Horoscope.

"Pluto adds intensity to your relationships this year, as well as some suspiciousness and emotional drama!"

RYAN: Is "Pluto" synonymous with "the tabloids"?

ANNE: Hey, Horoscope? Don't mess with my marriage.

"Your personal presence is strong, and others are generally looking upon you in a favorable light, perhaps turning to you for advice or leadership."

RYAN: But I don't want to be the president.

ANNE: Really?! I dreamed a dream that people looked upon me in a favorable light. Mad at me for the Les Mis reference? Suck an egg.

(Ryan and Anne shut down their respective devices. They let out a sigh at the same time.)

RYAN & ANNE: (In unison) Happy birthday to me.

Horoscope source: CafeAstrology.com