Baby Goats Wearing Sweaters Can Solve Any Problem

Dear Cynical Jerks of the World:

I was once as you are now. Sarcastic, bitter, jaded. Heaven help you if you walked too slowly in the middle of the sidewalk and prevented me from passing. (Fellow New Yorkers, you have no excuse. Non-New Yorkers, get on my level.) But you know what? Ever since watching these triplet newborn goats in sweaters, I'm better. Happier. Lighter. Now, if I see someone walking too slowly, or driving on the shoulder to avoid traffic only to try to merge back into the right lane when the shoulder ends or they see a cop (you're everything that's wrong with everything and I hate you people), no longer do I shriek swear words and pray something horrible happens to them. I simply think about the sweater-wearing goat triplets and everything is okay.

I don't know too much about these adorable little goat babies. They were born among Denmans Critters, which is a self-described small hobby farm. Two are girls, one is a boy, and they are half-siblings to "Peppa Lass" (who is also cute and hangs out with an absurdly precious muntjac deer named Liddy Bug). That's about it, so I've given them names—Malcolm, Henrietta, and Juniper—and a back story. You see, Malcolm, Henrietta, and Juniper are a prophesied triad: When those (presumably) hand-knit sweaters are placed over their adorable horned heads, the babies are imbued with omnipotence that will bring about peace on Earth and universal happiness. This is the best possible news. Don't believe me? Just look at them.

Now that we're all on the same page, let's just begin to discuss all of the things the goats can do for us.

A Resolution to the Israel/Palestine Conflict

This has been going on for far too long, but do you know what can bring these two warring factions together? A mutual love of baby goats in sweaters. And the goats would bring both sides together and give them warm mugs of tea with a reassuring nudge and smile. "You've got this, Israel and Palestine," the baby goats would say with their eyes. "Just talk." And Israel and Palestine would talk until the sun came up and call into work the next day and talk some more, and then by, like 3PM the next day, everything would squared away.

Clean Energy

The baby goats would show up at the major oil producers in their dapper sweaters (they would probably put on bow ties for the occasion) and place their proposals on all their desks. The tycoons would skeptically pick up the presentation while the goats look on, and slowly their stern expressions would melt. "This makes so much sense! We'll keep our profits high, clean up the environment, and help our customers! How can we every thank you, baby g-..." But when they look up the goats have already left, on to their next good deed.

Get George R.R. Martin to Finish Game of Thrones

They wouldn't be pushy about it at all. They would set up a very nice office for him with quilts and a really nice fireplace, and a comfy chair. They would come in with really delicious comfort foods and they'd be really encouraging during brainstorming sessions. Their critiques would be honest but constructive.

Keep You On Track With Your New Year's Resolutions

Remember those? The sweater-wearing baby goats will take their time out of their busy world-peace and environmental savior schedules to help you live your best life. There is literally nothing these Malcolm, Henrietta, and Juniper can't do.

Images: YouTube (2); Getty Images(4)