Hufflepuffs got the short end of the stick in pretty much every Sorting Hat song. But let's think about it for a second here. How inappropriate would it have been for the Sorting Hat to say "You might belong in Hufflepuff, where they are hot and tempting, those sexy Hufflepuffs are true, and unafraid of sexting" in front of a bunch of 11-year-olds? SUPER inappropro. But it does shed some light on why Hufflepuffs are notorious for losing the House Cup. Our special skill set was not in ambition or bravery or cunning, but rather a combination of the three: Hufflepuffs are better in bed, and Hogwarts has yet to reward points on that kind of merit.
It makes sense, of course, since we were all underage and unaware of our hidden talents in our schoolin' days. But despair not, fellow Hufflepuffs. School may not have been our moment in the sun, but in all the days that followed it we all learned something remarkably unique to our house that no other house can claim—we are a slammin' lay. Not that anybody should be all that surprised. Two words for you guys: Nymphadora. Tonks. Two OTHER words for you guys: Cedric. Freaking. Diggory. (OK, that was three words, but really is it my fault or his?)
We shouldn't have to defend this title, because really, we don't need words to prove anything. The proof is in the sexy pudding. But for all the Hufflehaters out there who might not believe me? Here are all the reasons why Hufflepuffs are better in bed:
We're hardworking ;) ;)
Which means we will work very hard to make sure that you're giving us good sex. Oh, and vice versa. We're givers, us Hufflepuffs.
We're ridiculously loyal
Pfft, you think I was watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix over your head while we banged? Nah, I was just staring off into the distance thinking about how much sexier you are than Luke and Lorelai combined.
We're infallibly honest
Yup. RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE IS GOOD.
We're not afraid to get ~freaky~
Wanna invite a whole pepperoni pizza in the bed? Role play 30 Rock? It's casual. Whatever you want. Hufflepuffs are game for anything because, as we all know, honey badgers don't give a shit.
We're really great finders ;)
That's right. We'll find all your hot and bothered buttons and then we'll go find your damn keys and your phone charger and your fourth grade yearbook just because we can.
Our colors will turn you on
No FOR REAL there is Muggle science behind it. The color yellow generates muscle energy and the color black gives off an aura of mystery, so basically we are like energizer bunnies full of secrets in bed. (And just like the batteries those bunnies represent, we know how to turn you onnnn.)
We've got the elements on our side
Hufflepuffs are associated with the "earth" element. To steal a line from Taylor Swift (the most Hufflepuff of Hufflepuffs that ever lived), that means we'll do it "lying on the cold, hard ground". (We're also pretty chill with mattresses, though, just saying.)
Our dorms are right next to the kitchen
This has little to do with our sexual prowess, but tell me that the idea of busting into the kitchens for 24/7/365 pumpkin cheesecake from chipper freed house elves is not your idea of post-coital success. No, seriously, TELL ME. Because if it isn't your idea of a good time, you weren't worthy of Hufflepuff lovin' in the first place.
We're patient
Which means we're game to go alllll niiiiiight looooong. (I'd add another winky face but I feel like I've abused my winky face privileges already.)
We're the most accepting
There has never been a safer space to accidentally rip one mid-orgasm than in the bed of a Hufflepuff.
We're not afraid to laugh at ourselves
Please. If we'd had Twitter in the early millennium, #HufflepuffJokes would have been trending internationally for like seven straight years. If we didn't have a sense of humor about it we wouldn't be Hufflepuffs. Things will never get awkward with us in the sack because if we do something colossally stupid, we're gonna beat you to the punchline every time.
JUST LOOK AT US
This is the kind of sexy you can't deny.
Images: Warner Bros.; Giphy(8)
