We're just one-and-a-half episodes into the newest round of The Bachelorette , with another airing tonight, and already this season looks out. Of. Control. After starting out with two bachelorettes, just to torture the ladies, Kaitlyn Bristowe has emerged triumphant, beating out Britt Nilsson for the chance to be courted by a herd of dudes all summer long. It's a tale as old as time — or at least as old as 2003, when The Bachelorette first started airing. You'd think, after 11 seasons, that there wouldn't be much left to surprise us, but the preview they showed last week begs to differ. It's pretty much equal parts tears and kisses, with zero context for either one, so we don't know whom Kaitlyn is falling for and whom she's letting down easy. All we can see is that it's gonna be a drama-filled roller coaster, and that if you're planning on going along for the ride, you're gonna need to buckle in.
But this isn't my first rodeo, you guys, so even though this season is still shrouded in mystery, I have some pretty good bets about what's going to happen. I've already spent three hours gazing at these people through my television screen, and my instincts rarely steer me wrong; in the first episode alone I predicted Kaitlyn would be the bachelorette chosen, that Ryan would get sent home for being too drunk, and that Brady would excuse himself from the competition because of his feelings for Britt. So basically I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my guesses for the rest of the season, so step right this way if you wanna look really smart in front of your friends.
Shawn Is Gonna Walk
He and Kaitlyn had such a strong connection right away that I don't feel like he's gonna be able to stick around and watch her relationships progress with the other guys.
We Haven't Heard The Last Of Brady
If they don't make his and Britt's romance a B-storyline, I'll eat my hat. (And I don't even wear hats!)
There Will Be A Bromance
Whoever the one guy is who never gets asked on a date, he'll become the favorite of the bros in the house, and they'll all playfully rib each other about being more interested in him than they are in Kaitlyn. LOLOLOL.
Someone Will Say "Here For The Right Reasons" At Least Once An Episode
I promise.
We'll Wish Amy Schumer Was The Bachelorette
Not that Kaitlyn isn't doing a great job, but I saw in the clip that Schumer is a guest this year, and ever since, I haven't been able to stop fantasizing about what it'd be like if she had her very own season. CAN YOU IMAGINE.
Kaitlyn Will Blow Up At Jonathan
They really laid the groundwork for this in last Tuesday's follow-up episode by having Jared come clean to Kaitlyn that he'd voted for Britt, and her saying ominously how upset she'd be if she kept someone who had done the same thing but not been honest with her about it. I'm looking at you, Jonathan! For as vocal as he was about his choice, I can't imagine that it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.
Tony Will Be Gone Too Soon
After that stunt he pulled in the driveway where he gave each girl the same schmaltzy speech word-for-word, I'm almost positive that the only reason he's still there is because the producers realize he makes excellent TV. I'm betting he doesn't make it more than two more episodes, but here's hoping he lays his healing hands on plenty of things in the meantime, because I need more of his particular brand of crazy.
Nick's Gonna Get Into Fights With All The Dudes
In case you haven't heard, they're having Nick Viall from Andi Dorfman's season come back because he's been so vocal on social media about being into her. And also because drama, hello??
There's Gonna Be Some Slut-Shaming
Considering how weirdly secretive the show always is about S-E-X, even when plying the contestants with champagne, giving them keys to the Fantasy Room suites, and telling them to get engaged to one another, I have a feeling it's gonna be a pretty Big Deal that Kaitlyn admits to having sex with someone. Who that will be, I have no idea, but I'm sure the guys, TV critics, and the entire internet are going to have some Very Important Opinions about it.
I Will Fall In Love With Ian
I mean... he's just the perfect package. My boyfriend tried to resist his charms, but then he watched the show for thirty seconds, and now I'm pretty sure he'd fight me for Ian's affections.
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