10 Things No Grown-Ass Woman Should Allow In Bed

Once upon a time, we were all clueless about sex. We'd seen it in the movies, then eventually in porn, but even those weren't accurate representations of what really goes on when you get naked with someone. Eventually, we gave away our v-cards and were probably disappointed to find out that it's a lot more painful and unromantic than our favorite teen movies let us believe, and thus, the door to a world of both terrible and good sex was opened.

After you learn that most sex isn't the mind-blowing kind you see on a screen, it can be easy to wonder if the stuff your partner pulls in bed is really as weird and terrible as you think it is. Maybe you just have really high standards, or maybe this is what all people do in bed and everyone else is working together to lie to you about the awesome sex they have, right?

The reality is that it's very possible to have awesome sex with your partner. Plenty of sexual shortcomings can be fixed with experience and good old-fashioned communication, but they should be fixed if you want both you and your partner to be satisfied. But what happens if your bed buddy refuses to give your lady parts the loving they deserve?

Gone are the days of wondering if what you consider terrible sex is actually pretty decent sex by everyone else's standards. We're adults, and quality sex should be our trade-off for being too old to not have to worry about bills and cholesterol. If your sexual partner is still pulling these immature moves in bed no matter what you say, it's time to find a real grown-up to join you in the best grown-up activity around.

1. The Vajackhammer

This move was acceptable-ish when you were a teenager and neither you nor your partner knew anything about sex, but now that you're adults, both of you should know better than to let this become a thing. A penis should be able to function on settings other than "super fast" and "in and out and in and out and in and out." Help him discover what his hips can do, but if he refuses to stop behaving like an erotic construction worker, let him go back to playing with his Lincoln Log alone.

2. The Head-Pusher

The only exceptions to this rule are if you're into rough BJs or your partner loves it when you puke all him. If a guy tries to push the limits of your comfort zone or gag reflex by pressing your head further down on his penis, please get up, laugh in his face, and leave. You are the one who gets to decide exactly how much of his penis you want or don't want in your mouth. If he doesn't trust you to know the distance from the tip of his penis from the point where you'll feel your lunch starting to come up, then his penis is not worthy of sharing the same space as your tongue.

3. The Surprise

He swears he was trying to put it in your vagina, but it just slipped. It was an accident. It was divine intervention that caused his penis to go from the hole specifically designed as a penis entrance to the hole specifically designed to let nothing in and push everything out. While I don't doubt that this occasionally happens during particularly rough sex, make like his penis and slip the hell out of there if it happens more than once.

4. The Fade-Out

He's been trying to get you off for like, two whole minutes and quite frankly, you're taking too long, so he just gives up. He might go back and try it again sporadically, getting your hopes up that you might actually hit your big O and not feel the need to fake one like 67 percent of women have done, but then just as fast as he dove in, he jumps right back out again. Taking breaks to give his hand or mouth a rest is one thing, but if he thinks it's OK to give up on your orgasm so he can reach his faster, send him back to high school and find someone who understands how healthy sexual relationships work.

5. The Clit-Pick

You know how it feels when you get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth, so you just try to use your tongue like a toothpick to wiggle it out? The people who direct oral sex scenes in porn seem to think that this is also a good technique to use on a clitoris. Your partner needs to understand that forcefully wiggling the most sensitive part of the female body with the very tip of your tongue is only something that happens in porn because viewers like to see every body part possible. Perhaps it's because so many people don't understand this that a whopping 35 percent of women say that they aren't receiving the right kind of clitoral stimulation, according to a Cosmopolitan study of 2,300 participants. If your partner accept the fact that most women actually like it when you use the rest of your mouth, too, then it's time to sign him up for sex ed again.

6. The Disappearing Condom Act

"Let's get out of here," he whispers into your ear. "Do you have protection?" you ask. "Of course I do. I'm a grown-ass man," he says. You stumble into your bedroom together, and when the clothes come off and it's time to put the condom on, it's not there. He swears he had one in his wallet, but it has somehow disappeared. So you're like, "Wait a second, I've seen a walk-through for this trick on YouTube before," and you check his sleeves and coat pockets, but it's nowhere to be found. You're totally stumped until he says, "It's OK though. It feels better without a condom anyway," and suddenly, the magician's secret has been revealed: He never had a condom in the first place. Reward him with a golf clap for his efforts, tell him that you're not interested in becoming one of the 12 million new STD cases that pop up every year, and then have him call his mommy to come pick him up.

7. The Fingerblaster

Just because they call it "fingering" doesn't mean you can do whatever you want with your fingers. Repeatedly jamming them in and out of your partner's vagina as fast as you can, for example, is generally the quickest way to earn yourself the honor of being That Guy or Girl for the rest of your life. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that this is even a more unforgivable move than the Vajackhammer; a stiff penis has pretty limited mobility, but you have multiple fingers with multiple, very movable segments. If your partner still hasn't figured out how to use the three joints that can be found on every digit, they need to go back and learn basic motor skills before trying anything as complicated as sex.

8. The Not-So-Happy Ending

This may sound crazy, but believe it or not, some — nay, most — women actually like it when you check with them before unleashing a massive load of jizz all over their faces/boobs/hair/vintage dart targets. If you guys have a pre-established dumpster, whether it's a mouth, vagina, or condom, drastically changing it up at the very last moment is pretty rude. You need to know if you need to be able to close your eyes or mentally prepare yourself to wash, dry, and style your hair again before the moment (and semen) is already upon you. Using his favorite shirt as a napkin if he decides to give you an unwanted pearl necklace seems like the appropriate punishment for such a childish act.

9. The Semenless Smooch

Somewhere in this big ol' world is a woman just waiting to spit a man's cum right back into his mouth the second after she finishes giving him a blowjob, but I'm guessing (hoping?) that she isn't reading this. So really, your partner has no excuse to turn you down when you try to give him a kiss after getting a jaw workout on his penis. If his semen really tastes so terrible that even he can't handle it, maybe he should clean up his diet and then clean up his post-BJ etiquette.

10. The Dry Water Slide

Real question for guys here: When you stick it in without having employed the use of lube or foreplay, does your penis hurt like a bitch? I'd assume that the answer would be a resounding "yes," but based on the number of guys that actually do this, I could be completely wrong. We don't just enjoy foreplay — we need it if we don't want to have some serious peen-burn in our vagina. If your man wants to play on the slip n' slide before hosing it down, he can do it without you.

Images: Ben Raynal/Flickr; Giphy