Struggles Of Having Thighs That Eat Your Shorts

Thigh gaps are like, so five minutes ago. As the owner of an aggressive thigh mouth — that thing where your thighs are so close together when you walk they rub and gobble up your underpants/shorts — I can tell you that a thrashing maw is just as covetable as having a fists distance between your legs. Now, don't get me wrong, thigh gaps (if you're healthy and don't have an illness) are hot. Legs in general are hot. Bodies are hot. I'm not here to hate on your legs because, chances are, they're excellent, no matter what they look like. But thigh mouths are amazing too, and just because with it comes some difficultly (mostly physical but sometimes emotional) it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be completely feeling yourself and the fabric-eating monster that is your thighs.

I'm not going to tell you what kind of body you should or shouldn't have, but I am going to tell you that whatever your body looks like, you should, unconditionally, love it. Because as the queen RuPaul would say, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gon' love someone else?" So without any shame of any kind of body, but in promotion of self-love for those who have thighs that hungrily rub together like a salivating chomper, here are some struggles of having a thigh mouth, that are actually also reasons to love the lack of air between your legs.

STRUGGLE: Constant camel toe

The most difficult thing about having a thigh mouth is it also being the cause of a near constant camel toe. Especially when you're wearing shorts, your thighs will eat up any fabric that comes between them, in a refusal to be parted by any mad made substance.

REASON TO LOVE IT: Because it's a good excuse to always wear pretty dresses and not dumb old pants

There are times when your thigh mouth will catch on to a bit of skirt fabric and eat that too, but by and large, dresses and skirts are much more thigh mouth friendly because they don't lend themselves to constantly rubbing together between your thighs the way shorts do. And we all know that skirts are the best way to go out in public without wearing pants, because pants suck.

STRUGGLE: Inner thigh chafing

When you've got thigh mouth, your thighs are going to rub together, a lot, which means chafing. Chafing sometimes hurts. And having a rash that close to your crotch doesn't exactly scream "do me."

REASON TO LOVE IT: Because it means you didn't have to deprive yourself of that fat, delicious burger you really, really wanted to eat last night

Wear your thigh chafe as a badge of the most delicious meal ever that you just had, which you didn't worry about the caloric intake of, because you were too busy languishing in the flavor.

STRUGGLE: Achieving perfect garudasana legs in yoga

OK, so I have a yoga confession: I can't do garundasana legs because I'm not yet flexible enough to maneuver around the fat of my thighs. And when I look at the skinny legged women around me, wrapping their legs about one another like it ain't no thang, I get very, very jealous. I always get them back with my other bird poses though (crow, pigeon, etc. I'm really good at those).

REASON LOVE IT: Because you've got lovely cushioning to wrap around someone else's waist

Next time you're having sex, be thankful that even if your thigh fat prevents you from flexing in certain ways, it's the perfect cushioning for when you're naked and wrapping your legs around someone else to make your bits touch. Who doesn't love that feeling? Literally no one. Thigh Fat 4 President.

STRUGGLE: Feeling insecure because you don't have a thigh gap

Look, most of us know that there isn't one "right" type of body, but that doesn't mean we're completely done waging war with the ways those body-shaming messages have been internalized and live in our heads now. Sometimes, what with all the images being thrust in our faces every day of women with perfect thigh gaps, it can be difficult not to get a little bit down in judgement of your thigh mouth, which hasn't quite made it's way into the fashion of "what's hot" in bodies yet. YET.

REASON TO LOVE IT: Because the ways you still feel insecure just serve to show you where and how you need to love yourself most

And that's always good information to have. And I mean, whatever. You are who you are and thigh mouth is just as sexy and awesome as thigh gap. It's definitely much funnier (come on, you've chuckled at least a little bit reading this post right?), and it's better not to take yourself so seriously anyway.

STRUGGLE: Getting "sausage bottom" in shorts (that's like muffin top for your thighs when they look like sausage being pushed through sausage skin, skin being your shorts)

If you like the way muffin top or sausage bottom looks then power to you. Many do not. I am one of them. It's not that I have anything against the actual source of it (I mean come on, I'm writing a whole post about chubby thighs and how great they are), but just the fact that it means you're wearing ill-fitting clothes, and that a lot of clothes aren't actually made to fit so many kinds of real human bodies. Which is sad, because it would be nice if clothes were made with everyone in mind, not just the very specifically proportioned.

REASON TO LOVE IT: Because sausages are delicious, duh

I mean, hello.

STRUGGLE: Swamp crotch

In warmer months, your thigh mouth will SWEAT. It's not pretty when your light-colored bottoms start developing sweat stains like you peed your pants. I mean, unless that's your thing.

REASON TO LOVE IT: Because pheromones, baby

On the plus side, your sweaty thighs are working double time on wafting those pheromones into the atmosphere, so even if you look like you just peed you pants you'll at least still stir up instinct sexual attraction in the opposite sex.

Images: gareth1953/Flickr; Giphy (6)