The fact that a planned Taco Bell in Wicker Park, Chicago might be serving alcohol once it opens its doors was big news this week — which, of course, got the strange and sometimes incredibly gross food gears turning in my fevered little brain. Sure, we can try to find the perfect booze pairings for our favorite Taco Bell orders… but you guys. What if we made cocktails inspired by the Taco Bell menu instead?
If you have a weak stomach, you might want to turn back now. Consider yourselves warned.
Still here? Awesome; that means you can delight in my absurd proposed cocktail menu, too. Since we know comparatively little about the potential boozy Taco Bell — our knowledge is limited to knowing that A) it will be located at 1439 N. Milwuakee Ave., B) it has applied for a liquor license, C) it's not going to be a U.S. Taco Co., and D) its opening date hasn't yet been set — that gives our imaginations a whole lot of room to play. And play, mine did, dreaming up 10 exceedingly bizarre-sounding cocktails inspired by items on Taco Bell's regular food menu.
Not unlike my imaginary Starbucks kale menu, this one is full of the most disgusting combinations I could think of — although admittedly, a few minute not be too bad. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily call them good… but there's a fine line between weird and undrinkable.
Here's what I imagine a Taco Bell-inspired cocktail menu might look like. Got any ideas to add?
1. Doritos Locos Taco Bloody Mary
I'll be honest: A Dorito-and-taco-inspired cocktail isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy, because ick. But hey, we're garnishing Bloody Marys with whole chickens these days... so maybe it's not as bad as it could be. Take a classic Bloody Mary, add some beef broth, and garnish it with crumbled-up Doritos on the rim. It's... interesting, at least.
2. Spiked Taco Bell Freeze
In one of the less gustatorily offensive ideas on the table, what if you could spike your Freeze? This one would be a terrific customizable option — take your pick both between the three available Freeze flavors (Snapple Lemonade, Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and — somewhat inexplicably — Starburst Strawberry) and one of three different liquors (I'm thinking vodka, tequila, or rum).
3. Diablo Sauce Prairie Fire
According to this recipe from 1001 Cocktails, a Texas Prairie Fire has only three ingredients: Tequila, lime juice, and Tabasco sauce. Sub out the Tabasco for Taco Bell's Diablo hot sauce (or Fire sauce, if you can't find Diablo anywhere), and you're good to go. If, y'know… spicy, savory cocktails are your thing. They're not mine, but that's just me.
4. Cheesy Gordita Crunch Shooter
The key to this one? An edible glass consisting of a crunchy taco shell on the inside, a layer of cheese, and whatever the hell that pillow-y Gordita shell is made of. I don't much care what goes on the inside, but maybe some sort of beef broth cocktail would fit the bill.
5. Caramel Apple Empanada Martini
This one actually might not be so bad. Think caramel apple pie martini: Apple pie vodka, caramel vodka, and maybe something creamy to balance it all out, plus a rim of empanada crust crumbles. Or… something.
6. Biscuit Taco Breakfast Cocktail
The name for this one was obvious — but what it would actually consist of actually kind of stumped me. Maybe all we need to do is spike some fast food coffee with some tequila and balance a Biscuit Taco shell delicately on the rim. Add a little bacon for garnish and bam — boozy breakfast in a mug (or, y'know, a paper cup, but whatever).
7. Mountain Dew Mimosa
Back when the Taco Bell breakfast menu first debuted, one of the beverage options was the somewhat dubious-sounding “Mountain Dew AM.” As far as I know, it consisted of Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice, which effectively made it a Mountain Dew mimosa. But while we're dreaming up the most hideous-sounding cocktails we can, let's add some champagne to the mix — not in the place of the Mountain Dew, but in addition to it. Start with a champagne flute and add a splash of orange juice. Next, fill halfway with Mountain Dew; and finally, top the whole thing off with some champers. If you're feeling really fancy, add a dash of chambord to the glass.
8. Cinnabon Delights Coffee Cocktail
Like the Caramel Apple Embanada Martini, this one may not be so bad — although it's possible best saved for dessert. Have you ever had a cinnamon roll coffee cocktail? I imagine that's what a Cinnabon-inspired Taco Bell booze-fest would taste like: Coffee, cinnamon schnapps, and something creamy — maybe Bailey's? — to add the finishing touch. Whipped cream is optional.
9. Spicy Potato Soft Taco Martini
A spicy martini in and of itself is actually relatively desirable; it only gets gross when you garnish the rim with cheese and drop a piece of potato taco filling into the drink instead of an olive.
10. Fourth Meal Fix
Just throw everything on the Fourth Meal menu in a blender and add enough vodka to drown out the disgustingness. Hey, at least it'll keep you going for a while, right?
Images: Taco Bell/Instagram; stevendepolo/Flickr; Taco Bell (9)
