How To Fart Without Killing Your Partner

I have a confession to make: I fart. A lot. And when I saw “a lot,” I mean pretty much all the time. I used to think that it was because of the fact that I smoked and drank too much but I quit smoking and my booze consumption has dramatically dropped as I’ve gotten older. And yet the farts persist. My boyfriend, however, didn’t know that I was a super farter until around three months into our relationship. There's really no handbook on how to fart in front of your significant other, and, for some of you, three months may seem like an extremely short amount of time to wait before letting it rip in front of a new lover.

For me, however, it was three months of gastrointestinal distress unmatched by any other time in my life. I would wake up in the morning, belly bloated with gas, and dash out to the bathroom before my boo woke from his beauty sleep. It was a quarter year of clenched sphincters and stabbing pain, with relief only to be found in the bathroom.

But these days? My boyfriend endures a much stinkier life than he originally thought he was signing up for. Things have gotten marginally better since I put down the cancer sticks but let’s be honest: our house is still pretty smelly.

In consideration of my extremely tolerant and wonderful man, I’ve come with a few ways to minimize his exposure to my toxic gases.

You really can hold in some of them.

I was raised in a house with five brothers, a sister who would make a motorcycle-revving motion with her hands when she farted, and a dad who still lights his farts on fire and thinks it’s hilarious. As a result, I didn’t grow up with the same shame that most people have around farting, at least at home.

However, my boyfriend wasn’t raised in a frat house for children and asked me pretty early on to hold it in until I get to the bathroom. Now he thinks its hilarious when I pop up from bed while we’re watching TV and stand in the doorway of the bathroom, butt facing in.

Watch what you eat.

One night, my very confused boo came out of our room to find me snuggled in the blankets on the couch, way past my normal bed time.

“What are you doing out here, babe?” he asked.

I gave him a sheepish look and told him that the hot wings we’d had for dinner had turned my butt hole into a lethal weapon. He laughed and told me to come to bed, that it couldn’t be that bad.

But oh, it was that bad and worse. The next morning found him sleeping on the couch, driven from our room by the worst gas either of us had ever encountered. From then on, I cut hot wings out of my diet, even though I love them. I just realized I love my boyfriend more.

I also stopped smoking, know that beer makes it worse, and try to stay away from too much fried food because, basically, stuff that’s bad for you is going to make your farts stinkier. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them out entirely (except the cigarettes) but rather that you should just consume them in moderation, which is pretty good advice even if you’re not gassy.

Add some peppermint to your diet.

Peppermint is a lifesaver to those of use with digestive issues. It’s been used for generations as a way to soothe upset stomaches and I have strong memories of my mom making me peppermint tea when I was a little girl and feeling sick.

Research has shown that peppermint may be effective for helping with gas, bloating, and stomach pain in people with IBS but even if you’re not diagnosed, trust me: it helps. Some people even claim that it makes your farts smell better, but the jury is still out on that one.

Accept that, sometimes, it’s just going to happen.

Human bodies make waste and sometimes that waste comes out in the form of stinky, nasty farts. It happens to all of us and the best way, hands down, of dealing with farting around your SO is to have a little humor about it.

I try to be considerate but I also know that, for example, that half hour before I wake up turns our bed into a disaster area. My boyfriend has named it “The Fart Area of Doom” and has even drawn me cartoons to illustrate exactly where this toxic land is located. We’re able to laugh about what is, ultimately, a totally natural part of being human and living with another human while still admitting that, yeah, it’s pretty gross.

Images: ashley rose,/Flickr; GIFwrapped (4)